i want to crawl back. inside my mother's womb. i want to shut out. all the lights. in this room.

twenty minutes.
twenty minutes of a tired mom.

after debating whether or not agriculture was a productive thing for mankind or not in my anthropology class, i hopped in the car with jake and court. we drove to salt lake where the most charming of all fairs stood waiting for us. there were innumerable ferris wheels. we ate cotton candy until it came out of our noses. we slid down big yellow slides and watched exotic animals ranging from tigers to sea lions play in a desert far from their home.


needless to say, it was lovely.

we got home around midnight. so naturally i went to see my friends.

it sure was good to see those boys again.
i really forget how much i miss them. who knows what is going to happen to me when all of them are gone.
no. i can't think about it right now.
so anyway.
after driving around in the daw family's big red van, i slid through the door at around one in the morning.
mom was asleep and i didn't want to wake her.
i hated that she was asleep though.

because all i wanted to do was talk to her face to face, and be in the same room with her.
i have taken that for granted my whole life, and i'll never do it again.
so i went and had a slumber party with my big sister watching my newest favorite moive, letters to juliet.
it just makes me smile inside.

eight thirty rolled around pretty fast saturday morning.
but i ran up the stairs to mom's bedroom as fast as i could hoping that she would already be awake.
good news. she was.
but things got bad once i told her we were leaving in about twenty minutes.
she got a sad look on her face, and i maybe started to shed some tears.
i didn't want to leave. :(

getting in the car was bad.
i just wanted to cry, but when i hugged that mom of mine, and she squeezed me tight, i held it in like the big, strong, tough girl that i always pretend i am.
even when i know that my mother won't stop waving until our car is out of sight.
i still held in all of those crocodile tears that always try to get out.
because i'm a big, strong, tough girl.
and i usually win in the fight against crocodile tears.

i hate sometimes that i live a million miles away from the life that i lived for twelve years. i hate that my new friends don't know what fort street is, or where you can find the whisper dome. i hate that i have to call my mom every time i'm frustrated and i can't just come in, throw my books on the granite counter top and say everything that's on my mind while she pauses reading her craft magazine. i hate that we communicate through a speaker without hugs, kisses, or smiles.
it sucks.
mckenzie told me on the first day that we lived here that the first step to getting over homesickness is admitting that you have it.
i haven't felt that way until this very night.
so dear mckenzie:
my name is courtney kearns, and i am sick for home.

but just in case you are worried about me...
don't be.
because i am having a blast in my new life.
i just miss my mom sometimes.
especially when room 102 makes p0t roast and it tastes just like all of those sunday nights on osborne lane.
dearest sweet mother: i miss you terribly.
love, your baby girl
courty.