-Jessica Chastain: Armani Prive. Love the Jessica Rabbit reference. So true.
-Amy Adams: Oscar de la Renta. A Peacock feathered fairytale in lavender. My favorite dresses always seem to be the pastels. Mila Kunis in 2011, Kate Mara's 2012. I was the biggest fan of this one tonight.
-Anne Hathaway: Prada. That pixie cut. The white dress. Stunning.
-Charlize Theron: Dior Couture Peplum-esque (Sam's fave).
-Jennifer Garner: Gucci. Nothing gets my stomach butterflies going like an Art-Deco-referencing necklace.
-Halle Berry: Two words: Gold. Finger. (which, actually, is rather appropriate.)
-Sally Field: I would wear that in a heartbeat.
Noteworthy, but not great:
-Octavia Spencer: Looks like a bubble bath with Zoe Deschanel hair. Weirdly, everything still sort of just works.
-Kerry Washington: Just, always pretty.
-Jennifer Hudson: We loved her performance dress more than the one she wore on the red carpet, right?
-Naomi Watts: Armani Prive... the cut of that dress is seriously the bee's knees.
Indifferent:
-Kristin Stewart: Crutches? Seriously? Playing the Bella Swan card. Do we think that was on purpose, or not?
-Jennifer Aniston: Must be her go-to look. Because she constantly recycles it.
Not a fan:
-Zoë Saldana: I don't care what Ross & Guiliana think. The belt was awful tenfold.
-Amanda Seyfried: Alexander McQueen. I mean, I just expected more.
-Jennifer Lawrence: Dior Haute Couture: I know, I know. Geeez, I hated that dress. And the back necklace? And her, altogether. Funny, but inappropriate and ungrateful. UMADBRO?
-Catherine Zeta Jones: A bit too chesty. Yikes. Also, denied by the mani-cam & Ryan Seacrest all in the same night. Quality entertainment.
-Salma Hayek: YEESH. Literally, all I have to say.
-Sandra Bullock: Seen that dress on her one thousand times. And it was even an Elie Saab! Elegant, but extremely boring. I am so disappointed.
"I will see that weird Oz movie for the sole reason of Mila Kunis being in it."
"James Franco is in it, too..."
"Yeah, but I have a bigger crush on Mila."
"Joseph Gordon Leavitt gets awkward in front of Dustin Hoffman. That could be the entire synopsis of a movie. And it would make millions."
(Talking about Amanda Seyfried)
"She is tiny."
"She has a size 7 foot."
"How do you know that..."
"One time, I delivered Ugg boots to her room."
"You've touched a pair of Amanda Seyfried's boots."
"Oh, no. They sent three. Sponsors of the *_____ _____ _____ sent three pairs. And I touched all of them."
"Whoever can find Helen Hunt's upper lip wins a prize. The prize is, ironically, an upper lip. So, let's hope Helen finds it first."
"Yeah. You can buzz your head when you're Charlize Theron."
"I photobomb Mick Jagger." --Judd Apatow
"Oh, look. Adele. In the exact same dress she wears to every awards show."
"Remember how Kelly Osborne says cleavage like 'CLA-VOjjjjj'?"
[Channing Tatum & Charlize Theron. DELIGHTFUL.]
"I thought that was Matt Damon in a fat suit. I am continually on Jimmy Kimmel's side."
(Regarding Shirley Bassey)
"Loved the Bond tribute... Until she came on." --Austin Daw
"Love that Liam Neeson. He could be a Bond."
"Maybe before he was Brian Mills... who is way more hard core than James Bond will ever be."
"Okay, calm down..."
"The next person to comment on how Anne Hathaway doesn't deserve that Oscar gets deleted from Facebook. You try throwing yourself at a role, eating only an oatmeal square a day."
"You love The Oscars too much."
"Damn straight."
"Remember when Helen Hunt told Ryan Seacrest she was wearing H&M and things kind of got a little awkward?"
"Yeah...?"
"I'm just saying, it sort of made me uncomfortable."
"It probably made her feel that way, too."
[Seriously wishing J-Hudd would've worn her Dream Girls bedazzled number on the red carpet.]
"The VonTrapp Family Singers!"
"Zey ah GONE!"
--BEST. BIT. EVER.
[I have a new dream: Writing the script for the Oscars. Wouldn't that be the best job ever? You get to absolutely roast people and no one can really get mad at you for it because you're just the writer.]
[I have a theory that Amy Adams always plays a control freak because that's probably a lot similar to who she really is.]
[I maybe shed some tears over Anne Hathaway's win & acceptance speech. Maybe.]
[Oh, good news: now Adele is wearing the other dress she owns.]
[Kristin Stewart should've just stayed home tonight.]
[Proof that Adele could rule the world: Four Grammys, approximately two dresses that everyone swoons over every time she wears them (EVEN THOUGH THEY LOOK THE EXACT SAME) and now an Oscar. Seriously.]
"Jennifer Lawrence doesn't deserve an Oscar. No way she wins."
(Then, she does win.)
"Well, she did trip. So, now I guess she deserves it."
"Did Meryl Streep just pick a wedgie? That's going to be the header of a 'Stars: They're just like you' segment in Us Weekly."
[#WRAPITUPMICHELLEOBAMABECAUSEWHYAREYOUEVENPRESENTING
#dontyouhavefountaindrinkmachinestobemonitoringorsomething?]
[Daniel Day Lewis. British guy who wins the most prestigious award given to an actor by playing a beloved American president. Amazing. Love him.]
[I just want Halle Berry to be my aunt. My Aunt Halle Berry.]
-Octavia Spencer: Looks like a bubble bath with Zoe Deschanel hair. Weirdly, everything still sort of just works.
-Kerry Washington: Just, always pretty.
-Jennifer Hudson: We loved her performance dress more than the one she wore on the red carpet, right?
-Naomi Watts: Armani Prive... the cut of that dress is seriously the bee's knees.
Indifferent:
-Kristin Stewart: Crutches? Seriously? Playing the Bella Swan card. Do we think that was on purpose, or not?
-Jennifer Aniston: Must be her go-to look. Because she constantly recycles it.
(Yes. This is actually real life. Did you cringe a little? I did. A lot.)
Not a fan:
-Zoë Saldana: I don't care what Ross & Guiliana think. The belt was awful tenfold.
-Amanda Seyfried: Alexander McQueen. I mean, I just expected more.
-Jennifer Lawrence: Dior Haute Couture: I know, I know. Geeez, I hated that dress. And the back necklace? And her, altogether. Funny, but inappropriate and ungrateful. UMADBRO?
-Catherine Zeta Jones: A bit too chesty. Yikes. Also, denied by the mani-cam & Ryan Seacrest all in the same night. Quality entertainment.
-Salma Hayek: YEESH. Literally, all I have to say.
-Sandra Bullock: Seen that dress on her one thousand times. And it was even an Elie Saab! Elegant, but extremely boring. I am so disappointed.
Both of her dresses tonight had neck embellishments. I'm convinced she was hiding a hickey.
Commentary: "I will see that weird Oz movie for the sole reason of Mila Kunis being in it."
"James Franco is in it, too..."
"Yeah, but I have a bigger crush on Mila."
"Joseph Gordon Leavitt gets awkward in front of Dustin Hoffman. That could be the entire synopsis of a movie. And it would make millions."
(Talking about Amanda Seyfried)
"She is tiny."
"She has a size 7 foot."
"How do you know that..."
"One time, I delivered Ugg boots to her room."
"You've touched a pair of Amanda Seyfried's boots."
"Oh, no. They sent three. Sponsors of the *_____ _____ _____ sent three pairs. And I touched all of them."
"Whoever can find Helen Hunt's upper lip wins a prize. The prize is, ironically, an upper lip. So, let's hope Helen finds it first."
"Yeah. You can buzz your head when you're Charlize Theron."
"I photobomb Mick Jagger." --Judd Apatow
"Oh, look. Adele. In the exact same dress she wears to every awards show."
"Remember how Kelly Osborne says cleavage like 'CLA-VOjjjjj'?"
[Channing Tatum & Charlize Theron. DELIGHTFUL.]
"I thought that was Matt Damon in a fat suit. I am continually on Jimmy Kimmel's side."
(Regarding Shirley Bassey)
"Loved the Bond tribute... Until she came on." --Austin Daw
"Love that Liam Neeson. He could be a Bond."
"Maybe before he was Brian Mills... who is way more hard core than James Bond will ever be."
"Okay, calm down..."
"The next person to comment on how Anne Hathaway doesn't deserve that Oscar gets deleted from Facebook. You try throwing yourself at a role, eating only an oatmeal square a day."
"You love The Oscars too much."
"Damn straight."
"Remember when Helen Hunt told Ryan Seacrest she was wearing H&M and things kind of got a little awkward?"
"Yeah...?"
"I'm just saying, it sort of made me uncomfortable."
"It probably made her feel that way, too."
[Seriously wishing J-Hudd would've worn her Dream Girls bedazzled number on the red carpet.]
"The VonTrapp Family Singers!"
"Zey ah GONE!"
--BEST. BIT. EVER.
[I have a new dream: Writing the script for the Oscars. Wouldn't that be the best job ever? You get to absolutely roast people and no one can really get mad at you for it because you're just the writer.]
[I have a theory that Amy Adams always plays a control freak because that's probably a lot similar to who she really is.]
[I maybe shed some tears over Anne Hathaway's win & acceptance speech. Maybe.]
[Oh, good news: now Adele is wearing the other dress she owns.]
[Kristin Stewart should've just stayed home tonight.]
[Proof that Adele could rule the world: Four Grammys, approximately two dresses that everyone swoons over every time she wears them (EVEN THOUGH THEY LOOK THE EXACT SAME) and now an Oscar. Seriously.]
"Jennifer Lawrence doesn't deserve an Oscar. No way she wins."
(Then, she does win.)
"Well, she did trip. So, now I guess she deserves it."
"Did Meryl Streep just pick a wedgie? That's going to be the header of a 'Stars: They're just like you' segment in Us Weekly."
[#WRAPITUPMICHELLEOBAMABECAUSEWHYAREYOUEVENPRESENTING
#dontyouhavefountaindrinkmachinestobemonitoringorsomething?]
[Daniel Day Lewis. British guy who wins the most prestigious award given to an actor by playing a beloved American president. Amazing. Love him.]
[I just want Halle Berry to be my aunt. My Aunt Halle Berry.]
If you actually read this far, well then, I think you should win an Academy Award.
I didn't watch the oscars, but this kind of made me wish that I did.
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