Haley+Emily+Courtney

Our good friend, Chloe, got married yesterday. It was like a high school reunion, as weddings sometimes are. For the most part, though, I got to spend time with my best friends, and that was an absolute joy. The wedding was seriously beautiful and I've never seen Chloe so happy, I'm serious. In other news, one of my best friends, Emily (middle), has been completely MIA the past six months of my life, and I'm not kidding, this was the first encounter I've had with her since January. And Haley on the left there, well, I hadn't seen her in a while, but we slept in the same bed the other night so that makes up for it, I guess.

Anyway,
I was thinking last night about how odd it is that time moves so quickly when you start to grow up. Like, Emily is applying to PT school this year and potentially moving to the midwest... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! And Haley is probably going to do cool things like be a doctor's wife and have a million babies and drive a big SUV. And then, there's me. I don't know what I'll do after college. My dad keeps making reference to a study abroad, he wants me to write for a travel agency, and it's clear he believes I can be important, but I'm just so unsure about everything in my life at the moment. I literally haven't the slightest idea what I'm doing with any of it. I always thought I'd follow in the blueprint footsteps of my siblings and it is taking a while for me to understand that I am my own person and that it's okay to do things a different way. Right?

The point is, the three of us used to be inseparable. We used to ditch school for lunch at Olive Garden. We'd also ditch school to study for AP Art History tests at Einstein's (which may or may not have been counterproductive) (there was probably too much ditching school). We'd alternate sleepovers in each other's basements and watch Gilmore Girls until all hours of the morning. Made Wendy's runs at 2 A.M. in the summertime. Walgreen's runs in the middle of the night to toilet paper our ex-boyfriends' houses (okay, just my ex-boyfriend). Lacrosse games that were often painful and aggravating, but also sometimes a little bit fun. And how can we forget about the dove chocolate+french bread+pepsi drives when it rained outside?

And now Emily's ruining it all by applying to PT school and promoting being an adult. It's annoying.

And he still calls me "Miss Merideth Grey"

"I remember watching Notting Hill with you that time, but I don't remember anything about the movie. I guess I should watch it again."
"Yeah. We should watch it again sometime. Wait, did you say 'I should watch it again sometime' or 'We should watch it again sometime'? Because I said we."
"I said I, but I want to change my answer now."

I had a feeling.

I have a feeling.

Merideth: I have... a feeling.
Cristina: You have a feeling?
Meredith: Yes.
Cristina: Okay. What kind of feeling?
Meredith: Like I might die.
Cristina: Today? Tomorrow? In fifty years? We're all gonna die eventually. Now we're late. Let's go!
Meredith: Cristina. Come on.
Cristina: Okay. This is me being supportive.
Meredith: Really.
Cristina: Yeah. Okay. Fine. I'm totally supportive. Go.
Meredith: Okay. The man I love... has a wife. And then he chooses her... over me. And that wife... takes my dog. Okay, she didn't take the dog... I gave it to her. But I didn't mean to give it to her; I meant to give it to him. But that does not change the fact that she has my McDreamy. And my McDog. She's got my McLife. And what have I got?
Do you know, I can't remember the last time we kissed? 'Cause you never think the last time's going to be the last time - you think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't.
Plus, my conditioner decided to stop working and I think I have brittle bones. I just - I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I might die today.


I don't feel like I might die today, but I do have a feeling about today. So, there's that.

P.S. my mom used to dress me in frilly socks and saddle shoes. Also, I've always loved dogs.

"I feel you in my knees."

The other day, I didn't feel pretty.

Today, in my denim shirt, I smeared Nutella on white bread, cut bananas over the top and watched Driving Miss Daisy. I felt the prettiest I've felt in weeks.


The other day, I had Sylvia Plath stuck in my head.

Today, I received a tight hug, made plans, remembered just how much I love those dimples, felt butterflies in my knees, and forgot about every heart break I've ever had.

Today, I wanted to tell the world how happy I was. Instead, I rolled down my windows on the freeway and smiled really big. Because I'm not about to blow this.

There are people as weird as me out there.

This is my new favorite human of life. And you think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Jayke Larson, I love you a mill. Only on rare occasions do I meet other humans who have identical personalities to my own. Thanks for being the easiest person to work with. Thanks for letting me sit on your lap upon first meeting and for literally being the coolest person in the entire world. I owe my life to you, gingaboiiiii. Peace, love, and A-A-Ron 4dayzzz. K let's get married now.

JK.

Also, I never want to forget this snap.

It's your tiny, ineffectual fists.

"It's not the chase."
"What?"
"You and me. It is not the thrill of the chase. It's not a game. It's... it's your tiny ineffectual fists. And your hair."
"My hair?"
"It smells nice. And you're very, very bossy. It keeps me in line."
"I'm still not going out with you."
"You say that now."

"Hey."

"Hey. You almost died today."

"Yeah, I almost died today."

"I can't, I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was, I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss, which is pathetic. But the last time we were together and happy, I... want to be able remember that, and I can't Derek. I can't remember."

"I'm glad you didn't die today... It was a Thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little "Dartmouth" T-shirt you look so good in, the one with the hole in the back of the neck. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of... flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. It was quick. Kind of like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives. And you went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed."

"Lavender. My hair smelled like lavender... from my conditioner."

"Lavender. Huh."

Shame on me for sometimes forgetting how good Grey's Anatomy is.

Things I know.

If you were wondering what I might taste like now, the answer is spearmint. And Diet Coke. 

I think this will be the answer always. 

And as for Mexican food? I still don't like it. 

The way to my heart is with candy. The person serious enough about me to want me forever (if he exists) could propose in a candy shop with a candy-gram and I'd say yes. Actually, come to think of it, this seems ideal. Just ask me in a room full of unlimited candy and I'll commit to eating jelly beans in bed beside you for the rest of my days.  

I have been fighting it for years, but I am going to admit something. I am a sappy, cheesy, spontaneous loving, bright-eyed romantic. Sorry if your world is shattered right now. 

A few weeks ago, I was getting out of the car, my hands completely occupied with odds and ends. A pen in my mouth, I fumble for the keys, brushing the gas cap with my hip as I pass. The lid of the thing juts out because my car is a '97 on its last leg and hardly in pristine condition. I push it back and without hearing the pop back into place, I walk away. Not a minute later, the fix returns to its previous glitch. The worst part is that even though I know it's a waste of time, I always try to fix it, anyway. I always  try to make it stay. It has recently come to my attention that I do that with a lot of things in my life.