danke schoen, darling danke schoen. thank you for all the joy.

would you like to know where i'd like to be right now?



back here.
in bavaria, germany.
hitting those lovely alpine slopes.

this february, it will have been two years since my parents and i embarked on our germany-austria trip!
and i have craved it every snowfall since....

i first discovered how much i liked ingrid here. (there were many hours spent in the car.)
and got yet another different taste of the european culture that i have become incandescently in love with.
i tried my first batch of schnitzel drizzled with lemon juice in germany,
and visited a cow farm where we were generously given a fresh carton of milk!
i remember walking the hallowed grounds of dachau concentration camp against the snow and through the fog. i was speechless and humbled by everything i saw. what an experience.
we slept like kings on white bed linens made of ostrich feathers--just because that's the european way to do it!
i thought the wrought iron signs that lined each street of austria were the best things in the world. because they were.
we went to see mozart and his first pianos, and meandered through mittenwald in search of the world's first violin.

...among other things.

it was a beautiful little trip.
and i would give anything to be back there tonight.

someday again, right?

viva las christmas!

another lovely christmastime; this year we spent our holiday in las vegas.
because we love our family,
and also because there's nothing like seeing little kiddies on christmas morning. :)

how was your christmas?
i hope it was all wonderful and happy.

{happy christmasing.}

and in my dreams, i'm christmasing with you.

i apologize profusely for the faults that i am about to lay out for you.
but here goes.

it's like, almost-husband:

i could eat pumpkin chocolate chip bread all day long if you'd let me. kind of like how i could also watch the kardashian-jenner family just exist, ALL day long. i love them. i'm serious.

and if you'd let me one day, i could stay all day in our house forever. doing nothing. with the high class wardrobe of rosebud pajamas and my favorite b&b robe. it's the truth. i could stare at blinking tree lights and shimmering tinsel on our tree until my eyes fell out.

which reminds me...

i have never wanted to spend christmas on the beach. i, being the traditionalist that i am, prefer to spend it under the trees. lost in the trees actually. and i mean lost.
you know. cozy in a cabin. high above the rest of the world, but at the same time. lost in the trees.

and speaking of christmas.

i like tinsel. and lots of it. and playing find the candy cane in the christmas tree where that is precisely what is done. i'm a fan of too many decorations, and holiday socks. and it's not december the 25th until there is snow falling as well as fallen. and twinkle lights. promise me that we will never forget the twinkle lights.

so when i meet you, when we're in love, i apologize for my opinions. i can't wait to hear all about yours. :)
but for the meantime,

merry christmas, darling.

affectionately... and in haste, jane.

i know.

the ending is nothing short of disappointing.
...though this scene is anything but.

i must say... miss austen is quite remarkable.

and sometimes i believe i am much the same as her. watching becoming jane this morning, i have noticed a few things that she does, (assuming of course that the characteristics of anne hathaway resemble something the same as the real jane) and thought to myself how i am much like her. i am embarrassed to admit that i am a stubborn as i am... but it is only the truth. her passion for the written word is something that i admire about her, as well as the beautiful naivety that she possesses. i am quite naive and know very little of the world, though i hope to change. i believe that she was a passionate woman with an intelligent mind, complete only with the highest imagination and sense of wonder... though "one way or another, passion makes fools of us all". i love the way she's kurt and rude; at times she says the wrong thing because her opinion forces her to. i just think she is wonderful.

let me rephrase that... i can only hope to be such a woman!

and ohhh. mr. lefroy... (but really mr. mcavoy) please express the same feelings to me behind the rose garden.

pining for the rond de jambe.

it's simple, really. it's not hard.

i had a moment today. it was a missing moment.
you know, those moments where you just feel like something is missing?

now, forgive me for becoming absurdly abstract.


i saw a picture tonight; i saw a picture in my mind of that charming little sea: the charming sea of blissful confusion. i'm not sure if i am seduced by that phrase because of the way the consonants participate in a series of playful banter, back and forth, or it's just... true.

in my brain's canvas, the salt water was pink. the sky, a burnt orange, and i was not alone. aftertaste mentha sparkled my tongue and i somehow forgot what the rain felt like. i was swimming in circles. they were bewitching little things, beckoning me to fall victim to the way they said goodnight. i felt my eyes begin to abate, like carmen's final curtain! closing my eyes in salt water has never tasted so sweet. admitting defeat--submitting to the takeover of the strange sea that now possessed me--i began to drown. my splash kicking had transformed into repeated rond de jambes, forcing my swim into a dozen ballets. any sort of mutterance that i could pronounce would may as well be better served by mozart's taste of death. was i feeling it now upon my own lips? unlike anything of this earth, claims he. well yes, that is the fondness i pine for.

though years later, i can't understand how i sunk so low. to willingly tie a tag to my wrist and float to the bottom of that ocean. i must have been sixteen. sixteen and smitten by a thought that the sea was real and blissful.

but here i am, cold and dry. and still preferring the former.

the f word.

i feel like i have lost the energy to do everything today; i have lost the energy to even type, yet I’m forcing myself to punch these keys in hopes that my brain focuses on something else. anything else.

i wish i could sit in a bath full to the top with bubbles and hot water. all. day. long. but that is just not realistic. so here I sit punching and punching away.

kill me.

i can feel my stomach's heartbeat. and i don't even think my stomach has one of those. my hands are clammy and i keep shaking. i'm hot and cold, and chills have spotted my body. i fear that the flu is the dreaded result.

please no.

there is too much to do. between finals and moving, i don't know how i would cope with a stupid thing like the f word. i hate that word.

i have tried so hard to keep my immune system clean and strong this whole semester. and now, so close to the finish line, the light at the end of the tunnel, this happens to me. i haven't been able to eat healthy for a few days. and also my body will not let me sleep.

talk about exhausted.

and a week before my birthday? and christmas? seriously??

but there is always something a little bit positive.

i got a letter in the mail, complete with weekly postage via the interweb! thank goodness! i guess all of your prayers worked!

now could you pray that i don't get sick...?

one more time with feeling.

weird.
here i am at the library doing this.

i am highly unpredictable.
just kidding.

it's almost like i like to torture myself. almost. it's not like that, but kind of.

okay. let me start over again.

lately, the only people that just understand me are regina and joshua r. they just do.
it would be perfect to go lie down in an empty field of cold, cold snow, look up at the bitter sky that somehow depresses the rest of the world, and just listen to my good friends regina and josh for forever.
and then once forever is over, austin will be home and we can make fun of each other again.

ohhh. is that why i'm writing?

no letters. no emails.
nothing.

they'll come, i know they will... but i feel like he's been gone for six months already. and that cannot be a good sign. it has been one day short of a week.

let's all pray for me to get a letter.
thank you for your support.

wed.nes.day-fun-day.

wednesday came. and went.
and i am just great.
aust now wears a black name tag and learns about the russian language.
and i miss him lots.

but today is wednesday and i am so happy.

because my friend is officially a missionary. :)
hope your wednesday was full of missionary thoughts too.