just some common knowledge. you know. things everyone should have already been taught by now.

dear general public of life:
i hope you know that i am doing this for your benefit.
for the record, you've done some things... again... i'm speaking to the general public... that are not what normal people do. so probably watch yourself.
or listen to yourself talk at least.
which shouldn't be hard. since you loooove the sound of your own voice.

1. people usually want to be your friend when you tell the truth. so probably do more of that.
2. don't be someone you're really just not. because it makes you look weird.
3. be nice. everyone likes the nice side of the general public.
4. don't try to be better than everyone else. it will get you no where.
5. don't be jealous. trust me. it will hurt you more than it will help. i've been there before. and let me tell you something. it's anything but a day at the park.
6. lay off, mmk? okay.
7. don't pretend like you know everything about my life. because i can assure you that you don't.
8. dear general public, you will do wonders for yourself if you would just tell the truth.
9. tell the truth.
10. weird. yet again, tell the truth.

please. don't be offended that i have found faults in you lately. you're just not very smart, Public. but you think you are. so that makes things even more awesome. i know. it's harsh. but someone has to tell you. and i'm certainly not afraid.

little love letters.

i just read something.

that used to just make me cry. and now i just laugh. because it is funny. but i'm posting because i love my new life. i know. i say it often, and often is probably too much. but i really do. i love my current position. and i love that i get excited about clean laundry and wallpaper and candles. i love that i can laugh at myself when i read old love letters that are silly and weird. and contain things that i would never say today. or out loud. under any circumstance... because they're weird. i love that i'm excited to make new love letters for a different {and better i might add...} person soon. i love that i am in love with just about every single boy i see now. that didn't used to happen, but now it does because they are all just wonderful.

well most of them.

except you, you little punk that laughed when i ran into someone with my bike.
i hate you.

but back to the good things...

i love that i'm into art projects lately. art projects are fun and i wish i had the time to do them more often. i love that i live next to my best friend of eleven years and we talk about the old days lots and lots. i love that i catch a bus to school. i have missed that the last few years. it is a lot less stressful than driving. except i miss that little green car... i love the girls in 102 that have quickly become my b.f.f.'s. and i love that we have slumber parties with our matresses weekly. and yummy sunday dinners. i love canyon driving and little baby creperies in old houses downtown logan. i love love love love ingrid and can't wait to visit her soon. i secretly love one very handsome person. but he doesn't know it. it's cool... {read on for more information... ;)} and i love that true aggie night is put on by the school. i love that i miss my mom and dad, and i love that they miss me too. i love that jake and court live down the street and i can go to institute with them if i ever wake up in time... oh and i love my new life.
again.

how's your life? i hope it is just as wonderful as mine.

oh and i just want to post this too:
we made a list today in alien class. because i can't listen. i don't get it.
so miss and i make lists. on scales. of... things.

-dear bachelor number 1: you're on this list because you're dashing. and that's a good thing. it's good to be dashing. and we're obsessed with you. you have given us no other choice. obsession is the only option. thank you for breathing. and having a really great face.
-dearest darling handsome bachelor number 2: i think you're my favorite. i wish we could be friends. or maybe at lease speak real words other than just "hi". because you're great. and you donate to the cancer bucket. and you're shy. and you make me feel shy. which has been proven to mean that i think you're lovely. and sometimes you smile at me in the laundry room and i almost drop everything i'm holding, and that obviously means you think i'm great too. okay no. it doesn't. but it could. so think about it. and plus, you are very handsome. and it takes a very specific person to be classified as handsome. and you are the definition of the word. so please. just let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of france if you know what i mean.
-dear bach numero tres: you're fun. and you know every single answer in alien class. and sometimes you read your scriptures before class. i'm not attracted to you, but that's okay. please help me pass school.
-dear bachelor four: hello. i had a dream about you. plus i sat by you today. and i don't know your name. but you know mine. so i feel weird about that.
-dear bachelor number 5: 11 months and counting...

which bach are you leaning towards? :)

and p.s. happy birthday to the best little bailey mae ever! i love you cutie! you're a big six year old! kisses bae mae! love you!

you are goodbye little week. so goodbye! ...and good riddance. :)

wow. WOW.
could i be any happier that this week is over now?
monday. just boring.
tuesday. intelligent life in the universe exam. failed it.
greaaat.
wednesday. primary documents quiz. you know. where you read fifty different documents and then take a test on what you "learned". oh. then i felt like death was upon me.
thursday. woke up, did homework alllll day long. library to class, class to library. failed a c.i.l. test. awesome.
friday. exam first thing in the morning. with essays. i felt like i was taking an a.p. test... i wonder why... run around like a crazy person getting assignments to professors and such. (and by the "and such" part of that, what i really mean is that i rode to school on a bike today. with a short skirt on. i am such an idiot.)

aaaaand i just finished writing a paper on "who should be the beneficiaries of anthropological research" which was interesting to write, but you know. not exactly what i had planned for my friday night.

so you know. if you're wondering if i'm glad that it's friday, i'm happy to say that now i am. although it was the most stressful day of the week this week, i am happy it's here. and almost over.

is it weird that i find comfort in the fact that i know tomorrow all i'm doing is grocery shopping to fill the void of my empty cupboards and even emptier stomach, deep cleaning my entire house with bleach and lemon scented spray, (p.s. i think my roommates are probably glad i didn't put out a chore chart this week... maddie if you're blog stalking me right now you can't tell me that you're not happy. i know you are glad to be free of the clean freak in 301.) and lastly doing laundry.

and going to this! :) can't wait! i need some encouragement in my life. especially this week.

i have to say...
dear ipod,
you have been my bff this week. thank you so much for supporting me and lifting my chin up when it was so low to the ground. all week. and i mean... ALL WEEK.
you're the best.

anyway...
monday. i'm so excited to greet you again.
bring on next week.
can't possibly be as pathetic as this one was.

...and i hope your weekend will be as lovely as i'm determined to make mine!

ohhh and p.p.s.
carter austin and colton next weekend for a visit!
can't WAIT.
i miss those boys in my life.

we're all a little bit freaky. take uno.

today i was at walmart.

and let's be honest. when i'm there, i'm buying everything. always thinking to myself, "no. i don't need that." yet... somehow, i can always find a reason that i DO in fact need that. and today, i looked in the basket and saw a package of chips ahoy, nasal blackhead strips, generic brand astringent because i'm a college student not a multi millionaire, cotton balls, a tom cruise movie, and nail polish remover. (all for 20 big ones i might add. thanks.) while gazing into the wire basket of death, i thought to myself, "would anyone be friends with me based on my purchases tonight?"

the answer was quickly given to me.
no. because i am so weird.
which led me to another idea... like thinking always does...

i. am a freak.

so here we go.
things that make me a freak. part one.

i have realized today that i would rather be deep cleaning my kitchen with lemon scented cleaner than doing a load of other things. for instance:
-hanging out at the fraternities. yeah... not that fun.
-being in my english class. dear professor-who-shall-remain-nameless-for-the-purpose-of-the-unlikely-event-that-you-ever-read-this: i am waaaay more qualified to teach this class than you are by the way.
-being with the wardies. you guys are the worst.
-riding my bike.
-sleeping.
-watching t.v.

also, i hate touching paper with dry hands.
what?! who hates that?
more importantly, who likes touching paper with wet hands?
me.
which leads to the conclusion.
that i am a freak.
but it's okay.

because inside, whether we want to admit it or not, if you're julia roberts or the girl next door, you're a freak. and you know it.

i want to crawl back. inside my mother's womb. i want to shut out. all the lights. in this room.

twenty minutes.
twenty minutes of a tired mom.

after debating whether or not agriculture was a productive thing for mankind or not in my anthropology class, i hopped in the car with jake and court. we drove to salt lake where the most charming of all fairs stood waiting for us. there were innumerable ferris wheels. we ate cotton candy until it came out of our noses. we slid down big yellow slides and watched exotic animals ranging from tigers to sea lions play in a desert far from their home.


needless to say, it was lovely.

we got home around midnight. so naturally i went to see my friends.

it sure was good to see those boys again.
i really forget how much i miss them. who knows what is going to happen to me when all of them are gone.
no. i can't think about it right now.
so anyway.
after driving around in the daw family's big red van, i slid through the door at around one in the morning.
mom was asleep and i didn't want to wake her.
i hated that she was asleep though.

because all i wanted to do was talk to her face to face, and be in the same room with her.
i have taken that for granted my whole life, and i'll never do it again.
so i went and had a slumber party with my big sister watching my newest favorite moive, letters to juliet.
it just makes me smile inside.

eight thirty rolled around pretty fast saturday morning.
but i ran up the stairs to mom's bedroom as fast as i could hoping that she would already be awake.
good news. she was.
but things got bad once i told her we were leaving in about twenty minutes.
she got a sad look on her face, and i maybe started to shed some tears.
i didn't want to leave. :(

getting in the car was bad.
i just wanted to cry, but when i hugged that mom of mine, and she squeezed me tight, i held it in like the big, strong, tough girl that i always pretend i am.
even when i know that my mother won't stop waving until our car is out of sight.
i still held in all of those crocodile tears that always try to get out.
because i'm a big, strong, tough girl.
and i usually win in the fight against crocodile tears.

i hate sometimes that i live a million miles away from the life that i lived for twelve years. i hate that my new friends don't know what fort street is, or where you can find the whisper dome. i hate that i have to call my mom every time i'm frustrated and i can't just come in, throw my books on the granite counter top and say everything that's on my mind while she pauses reading her craft magazine. i hate that we communicate through a speaker without hugs, kisses, or smiles.
it sucks.
mckenzie told me on the first day that we lived here that the first step to getting over homesickness is admitting that you have it.
i haven't felt that way until this very night.
so dear mckenzie:
my name is courtney kearns, and i am sick for home.

but just in case you are worried about me...
don't be.
because i am having a blast in my new life.
i just miss my mom sometimes.
especially when room 102 makes p0t roast and it tastes just like all of those sunday nights on osborne lane.
dearest sweet mother: i miss you terribly.
love, your baby girl
courty.

and then i remembered how i'm already enrolled in the class and it's too hard to get out of.

i could kill tennis with my bare hands.
i hate sports.
i hate them!
and i hate that i have to get up,
just to get ready,
just to go to tennis.
which as previously stated...
i hate!
those stupid yellow balls are almost as bad as lady gag me's outfit choice at the vma's.
but i'm a bigger fan of her.

well there you go.

musings of a middle class young lady. i owe it all to you mr. pres.

dear mr. president,
oh barrack. how you never cease to amaze me. why is it, sir, that you feel the need to continually make everything about yourself? when speaking on the fiscal plan, only you can find a way to speak of the election that you so "victoriously" won. i've got news for ya, buddy. you didn't win because you were the right man for the job. ;) i know what i say next will be hard for you to understand, but please. just try with all of your might to do so. please stop blaming others for playing politics when you yourself know that game very well. dear mr. o, it's not your party, so no. you don't have the right to cry if you want to. save that for those middle class little girls that are obviously in need of your help so much. oh wait... that's me... and i'm not crying, so why are you? dear mr. president... please stop talking. very few of us like the sound of your voice as much as you do. and plus, the rest of us get way too much of you these days. the view called. they want their celeb back.

love, a very concerned citizen.
{and lowly middle class young woman. ohhh and p.s. i'm going to college. so i'm not THAT lowly. just in case you wanted some hard facts.}

maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me? how does she come up with these things...

forgive me.
for this post is looong overdue.
but for the record, keeel me now.
aka kill me now.
keeel is just so much more dramatic. so naturally i felt the need to use it.

there are two big, huge, and anything but brief acknowledgments that need to be addressed.
coincidentally, they go hand in hand.

background on the sitch?

today was the best day of my entire life. and the worst.
first.
sara b. maybe she is my all time fave.
{second only to ingrid of course.}
and maybe her new album came out today.
you're missing out if you haven't thought about buying it.
because you should.
second.
maybe i am in love with a person that has no idea that i breath. or do anything of that nature.
maybe.
i don't know.
just maybe.
and maybe i hate my life when i have to sit in class and hear him talk.
because you know.
maybe i'm in love with him.
again. maybe.

so here goes.

dear sara b:
you know you're my favorite. you know you can hit notes on an unreal level, and you know that those are notes i can only dream of hitting. sometimes i hate you. but not really. because you are sara b. and you've got my back. speaking of which... today. you totally had my back. this song made my day. even if it was for the worst reason ever. which is going to be made known in just a moment. you get me, you really do.

dear best part of my tuesday:
you are the worst dancer ever. and you are really cute when you run. and you are such a nerd that likes classes that i want to run far away from. and i wish we could date. but too bad we can't. please next time we have class together, don't say religious things, or things that make you sound sensitive. because you know. it makes me want to confess to the world that you're my new favorite thing. and i'd love to remain silent about that. so please. next time, just sit. and don't make me hate myself for an hour. p.s. for the record, i breathe. and do other things of that nature.

men are that they might have joy. i exist to be happy. :)

home is weird.
because it's no longer located in draper utah.
and it makes me feel like my life is going on without me.
except that it's not. i just have a new life.
again. terribly weird.

yet, i love it?

and it's new for me. because for the first time in a long time, i'm completely
intoxicated by happy. wanna know why?
okay. i'll tell you.

so there was this one time where i was dark and twisty.
i think there was a point in time for approximately two years in high school where my favorite color was grey.
so that should have been a red flag.
but anyway.
so when i was all sad about everything, i didn't understand what was happening.
i didn't know why i wasn't happy,
i didn't know when all of the unhappiness was going to end,
i was mad at several individuals for various reasons.
ie...
breaking my heart.
making decisions that should have been made by me.
not saying sorry.
being mean.
anyway.
so i just came to a realization.
today.
i know. today.
i used to pray. hard. and a lot. and nothing would come. i wasn't angry, i was just bugged.
kind of like, "hey heavenly father. remember me? remember how you said that you would protect me from bad things and mean people? remember that? so where are you, and what have you done with my best friend that used to help me out all the time?"
i'm sure that he just laughed and laughed.
"come on, courty. you're not this dark twisted soul." i'm pretty sure he said that in his head.
he probably was just waiting impatiently until this day, september 5, when i would flick on the light switch in my brain.
knowing him, he wanted me to get here faster than i did.
but boy am i glad he didn't intervene.

today in church, my heart was softened.
we read a scripture in doctrine and covenants section 6, verses 22 and 23.
that lovely little scripture has brought me so much joy on this one little sunday than i have had in a long, long time.

"{courty, courty, courty...} verily, verily, i say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. {if you don't remember anything i have ever said, will you remember that time when you felt the spirit so strongly? that first time you began to build a testimony? do you remember how you felt? like i wouldn't leave you?} did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? {did i not tell you that i would hand you a trial every once in a while, but you'd be okay? i promised you that you would come out on top. remember that?} what greater witness can you have than from God? {what else do you want me to say? i keep my promises.}"

my word.
goose bumps prickled my legs and arms the second i read that.
who am i to doubt him? he is bound when i just keep his commandments.
whether it takes two years of watching unpleasant things unfold before my eyes or not,
if i keep praying and doing his will, he's going to bless me.
and he has. way more than i deserve.
though the last few years were rough, i feel like heavenly father is blessing me for sticking them out.
i am pleased to state that my favorite color is now canary yellow.
those weirdo years, they were the worst. but now, Heavenly Father has blessed me with new friends, no familiar couple faces, a brand new life, and a chance to hit the restart button.
even when i cried and cried to him on bended knee, expecting his results to be much the same as a box of instant pudding, he had a different plan for me. which i am so grateful for.
i will never doubt him ever again.
obviously he knows me better than i know myself.
and loves me too. :)
thank goodness for the scriptures
and my best friend that lives to help me.
even when i don't believe him.

so to wrap it up...
men are that they might have joy.
and today my joy is based off of probably the smallest trial i will encounter in my life.
so bring on the big ones, baby.
i'm ready to trust again.

have a wonderful sunday.
and don't forget to talk to Heavenly Father.
he's waiting to bless you.
:)

here's to one day....

maybe i'm wedding obsessed. but trust me. this picture deserves a second once a day post.
i am in love. this website is wonderful.

a terrible and happy day. all at once.

on this weird afternoon, i would like to acknowledge the lovely things that have made this day a little bit better:

1. joshua radin.
2. sitting down in the elevator when there's no one else in there.
3. anthropology. lovely little class.
4. anthropologie. even if housewares are all i'm buying...
5. homophones.
6. soda pop and the big ice cubes.
7. the minty green beach cruiser plus the view of old main.
8. my intelligent life in the universe class. who knew i could earn three credits for watching signs and lilo and stitch. what a joke that class is...
9. polka dot fabric shoes. maybe they're my life these days.
10. fruit snacks that smile.

now for some brief acknowledgments:

to people on the quad: i am on a bike. and i'm not very stable with a tennis racket on my back. plus fifty pounds of books. please don't wait for me to make a sound. or fall. just move.
to repair man: thanks a bunch for bringing us a new faucet and light bulb for our refrigerator.
to becca: thanks for making our dreams a reality.
to professor glass-coffin: your name just gets me.
to english class that i have already taken: i'm way ahead of you.
to abc family: you should have stopped at the secret life of the american teenager. you're just getting lamer.
to people that can't date me for a whole year: maybe i'm in love with you. maybe.
to that 70's show: you make me very happy.
to international students: keep on filming!
to sleep: probably i should get more of you soon.

i hope your wednesday was filled with lots of students too.
love, courty.