danke schoen, darling danke schoen. thank you for all the joy.

would you like to know where i'd like to be right now?



back here.
in bavaria, germany.
hitting those lovely alpine slopes.

this february, it will have been two years since my parents and i embarked on our germany-austria trip!
and i have craved it every snowfall since....

i first discovered how much i liked ingrid here. (there were many hours spent in the car.)
and got yet another different taste of the european culture that i have become incandescently in love with.
i tried my first batch of schnitzel drizzled with lemon juice in germany,
and visited a cow farm where we were generously given a fresh carton of milk!
i remember walking the hallowed grounds of dachau concentration camp against the snow and through the fog. i was speechless and humbled by everything i saw. what an experience.
we slept like kings on white bed linens made of ostrich feathers--just because that's the european way to do it!
i thought the wrought iron signs that lined each street of austria were the best things in the world. because they were.
we went to see mozart and his first pianos, and meandered through mittenwald in search of the world's first violin.

...among other things.

it was a beautiful little trip.
and i would give anything to be back there tonight.

someday again, right?

viva las christmas!

another lovely christmastime; this year we spent our holiday in las vegas.
because we love our family,
and also because there's nothing like seeing little kiddies on christmas morning. :)

how was your christmas?
i hope it was all wonderful and happy.

{happy christmasing.}

and in my dreams, i'm christmasing with you.

i apologize profusely for the faults that i am about to lay out for you.
but here goes.

it's like, almost-husband:

i could eat pumpkin chocolate chip bread all day long if you'd let me. kind of like how i could also watch the kardashian-jenner family just exist, ALL day long. i love them. i'm serious.

and if you'd let me one day, i could stay all day in our house forever. doing nothing. with the high class wardrobe of rosebud pajamas and my favorite b&b robe. it's the truth. i could stare at blinking tree lights and shimmering tinsel on our tree until my eyes fell out.

which reminds me...

i have never wanted to spend christmas on the beach. i, being the traditionalist that i am, prefer to spend it under the trees. lost in the trees actually. and i mean lost.
you know. cozy in a cabin. high above the rest of the world, but at the same time. lost in the trees.

and speaking of christmas.

i like tinsel. and lots of it. and playing find the candy cane in the christmas tree where that is precisely what is done. i'm a fan of too many decorations, and holiday socks. and it's not december the 25th until there is snow falling as well as fallen. and twinkle lights. promise me that we will never forget the twinkle lights.

so when i meet you, when we're in love, i apologize for my opinions. i can't wait to hear all about yours. :)
but for the meantime,

merry christmas, darling.

affectionately... and in haste, jane.

i know.

the ending is nothing short of disappointing.
...though this scene is anything but.

i must say... miss austen is quite remarkable.

and sometimes i believe i am much the same as her. watching becoming jane this morning, i have noticed a few things that she does, (assuming of course that the characteristics of anne hathaway resemble something the same as the real jane) and thought to myself how i am much like her. i am embarrassed to admit that i am a stubborn as i am... but it is only the truth. her passion for the written word is something that i admire about her, as well as the beautiful naivety that she possesses. i am quite naive and know very little of the world, though i hope to change. i believe that she was a passionate woman with an intelligent mind, complete only with the highest imagination and sense of wonder... though "one way or another, passion makes fools of us all". i love the way she's kurt and rude; at times she says the wrong thing because her opinion forces her to. i just think she is wonderful.

let me rephrase that... i can only hope to be such a woman!

and ohhh. mr. lefroy... (but really mr. mcavoy) please express the same feelings to me behind the rose garden.

pining for the rond de jambe.

it's simple, really. it's not hard.

i had a moment today. it was a missing moment.
you know, those moments where you just feel like something is missing?

now, forgive me for becoming absurdly abstract.


i saw a picture tonight; i saw a picture in my mind of that charming little sea: the charming sea of blissful confusion. i'm not sure if i am seduced by that phrase because of the way the consonants participate in a series of playful banter, back and forth, or it's just... true.

in my brain's canvas, the salt water was pink. the sky, a burnt orange, and i was not alone. aftertaste mentha sparkled my tongue and i somehow forgot what the rain felt like. i was swimming in circles. they were bewitching little things, beckoning me to fall victim to the way they said goodnight. i felt my eyes begin to abate, like carmen's final curtain! closing my eyes in salt water has never tasted so sweet. admitting defeat--submitting to the takeover of the strange sea that now possessed me--i began to drown. my splash kicking had transformed into repeated rond de jambes, forcing my swim into a dozen ballets. any sort of mutterance that i could pronounce would may as well be better served by mozart's taste of death. was i feeling it now upon my own lips? unlike anything of this earth, claims he. well yes, that is the fondness i pine for.

though years later, i can't understand how i sunk so low. to willingly tie a tag to my wrist and float to the bottom of that ocean. i must have been sixteen. sixteen and smitten by a thought that the sea was real and blissful.

but here i am, cold and dry. and still preferring the former.

the f word.

i feel like i have lost the energy to do everything today; i have lost the energy to even type, yet I’m forcing myself to punch these keys in hopes that my brain focuses on something else. anything else.

i wish i could sit in a bath full to the top with bubbles and hot water. all. day. long. but that is just not realistic. so here I sit punching and punching away.

kill me.

i can feel my stomach's heartbeat. and i don't even think my stomach has one of those. my hands are clammy and i keep shaking. i'm hot and cold, and chills have spotted my body. i fear that the flu is the dreaded result.

please no.

there is too much to do. between finals and moving, i don't know how i would cope with a stupid thing like the f word. i hate that word.

i have tried so hard to keep my immune system clean and strong this whole semester. and now, so close to the finish line, the light at the end of the tunnel, this happens to me. i haven't been able to eat healthy for a few days. and also my body will not let me sleep.

talk about exhausted.

and a week before my birthday? and christmas? seriously??

but there is always something a little bit positive.

i got a letter in the mail, complete with weekly postage via the interweb! thank goodness! i guess all of your prayers worked!

now could you pray that i don't get sick...?

one more time with feeling.

weird.
here i am at the library doing this.

i am highly unpredictable.
just kidding.

it's almost like i like to torture myself. almost. it's not like that, but kind of.

okay. let me start over again.

lately, the only people that just understand me are regina and joshua r. they just do.
it would be perfect to go lie down in an empty field of cold, cold snow, look up at the bitter sky that somehow depresses the rest of the world, and just listen to my good friends regina and josh for forever.
and then once forever is over, austin will be home and we can make fun of each other again.

ohhh. is that why i'm writing?

no letters. no emails.
nothing.

they'll come, i know they will... but i feel like he's been gone for six months already. and that cannot be a good sign. it has been one day short of a week.

let's all pray for me to get a letter.
thank you for your support.

wed.nes.day-fun-day.

wednesday came. and went.
and i am just great.
aust now wears a black name tag and learns about the russian language.
and i miss him lots.

but today is wednesday and i am so happy.

because my friend is officially a missionary. :)
hope your wednesday was full of missionary thoughts too.

because i'm a snowfall kind of girl.

it takes a visit from jack frost for me to remember just how wonderful life can be.
i drank hot chocolate out of a red mug this morning in the comfort of home.
not dorm home.
real home.

it was lovely and everything good.

happy wintering. :)

this is a joke... right?

preparing myself for the water works is all.

happy thangts.

thank you, chuck-a-rama for providing such succulent turkey.
and honey baked ham. :)

thanksgiving, thanksgiving, thanksgiving.

i am happy to have such wonderful family and friends. they are lovely, and plus, i don't know what i'd do without them.

thank you for such a beautiful life.

and i think i should put in a plug for how i am so thankful for my traveling privileges.
because we all know that i love them so much.

i went to rome for 24 hours. and it was awfully wonderful.
saint peter's basilica in vatican city.

i'm grateful for my dad, the colonel. he works so hard.
...and then he takes me to places that i have dreamed about since i was a little girl.
he is quite the dad. and also, he's the best.

rome was just breathtaking.
i loved the streets damp with rainwater, and the italian people existing beautifully with their dark features and green eyes. and they were speaking italian. i melted a little sometimes.
it was all just beautiful.

a baroque angel in the vatican. would you believe that heavy texture?



michelangelo's pieta. i know.

the pieta.
and i saw it. with my very own blue eyes.
i couldn't even speak. though it is encased in glass, i still felt so close that i could touch it.
i am a lucky, lucky girl. really, i am.
spoiled rotten really...

we also went to the colloseum, the spanish steps, and the trevi fountain.
we ate gelato in the pouring rain, and a roman man whistled at me.
it was one of those things that i'm glad happened, just so that i can say it did,
...but please let it never happen again.

i got a small and brilliant taste of la cite eterna, and i look forward to going back again someday.


but for right now what i'm focused on is saying my goodbyes to this kid.


ohhhh prom.

it's hard to imagine.
two years without being able to call austin and tell him stories that only he'd think are funny.
that's two whole years of finding my own music and not stealing it from him.
two christmases and two birthdays with the absence of gifts that come from the classy aisles of the d.i.
two summers without del teezee runs at one in the morning.
two autumns without surprise logan visits.
two years without our best friend.
in fact, i hate imagining it.

but then i think a little harder. and i think about how selfish i am.
if he can give up his time, of course i can give him up for two years.
after all, it's only two.
and it's two years of time very well spent.

last night, we went out with all of the other crazy people in hunt for the jollyest givings in the retail department of black friday.
it sure was an adventure. and it's one i'll remember for a long, long time.
aust and i laughed at all of the moms pushing and shoving to get their sales.
we waited in line after line to purchase our spoils.
and were quite successful.
it was great.
and i'm sure going to miss him.

so here's to you, russia.
take care of my best friend, and make him be good.
turn him into a missionary and tell him to preach the truth.

wednesday's the day, folks.

i wore mittens today. big, brown, beautiful mittens.

i haven't posted a picture in a while... so here's logan lately. tucked away in beautiful, beautiful cache valley. it always surprises me that the leaves on those big tall trees are really that golden. can that be real? what would we do without autumn?

missy and i went househunting yesterday.
this house is a contender. and it's in the lead.

outside of jake and court's church.
courtney and i marveled at the color.
and then naturally i turned it into a polaroid.

so i went to bed at 3 a.m. last night... and woke up at 8 a.m. ... and now i'm in that same cubical of yellowing wood i typed from yesterday. waiting for my american institutions class to start.

i hate it.

but happy autumn, and happy wednesday! halfway through the week already? get out there and enjoy the leaves while they're still here! those brilliant colors are disappearing fast into clean white SNOW! i can't wait for ski season...

have a lovely day. :)

hey neighbor. i'm glad we're in love.

how pathetic am i.

sitting in my nook, second floor, merril-cazier library, making a very unconscious attempt at my annotated bibliography and research presentation, due tomorrow, and posting this.

aforementioned question with a period at the end was not rhetorical. answer if you must. i know. i am pathetic. sometimes i walk in the library daydreaming of the people that i will meet. maybe, just maybe, i will sit down in my usual nook and some handsome young gentleman will see me. maybe he'll walk over and sit at the nook beside me and ask me my name. you know, really, he doesn't have to say anything at all. maybe he just smiles at me, puts in his headphones, and goes to work on some math homework that will one day make him big dollar bills. and once that happens, we'll probably live in a mansion somewhere in france. or maybe this mystery smile doesn't exist.

maybe daydream number two sneaks in and says "hey, how are you?" and i'll say, "hey, good. i'm glad we're neighbors and that i'm in love with you." then we'll most likely talk about how we're going to travel the world and do cool things like teach english in third world countries and ride exotic animals for the rest of our lives.

but it never happens. i always just sit alone in my cubical of wood, plug in my computer, and apparently type away at the blank screen that should be a word document, yet is a new blog post. and a pathetic one at that. then usually i look around at all of the other pathetic people, most likely dreaming the same two dreams.

man. if i could only harness this kind of writing energy into my research paper, i would be golden.

that is all.

then i realized that these things are great and i have never noticed before.

today i am grateful for wikipedia and highlighters.

how else would i have finished... almost finished... 9 pages of american institutions exam review... 141 terms... 200 years of american history...
in 9 hours.
i owe my grades to you, wikipedia and highlighters.
unless those grades happen to be below C's...
and in that case you can just have them.

so today, i am grateful for wikipedia and highlighters.

ohhhh and p.s. this next one is for yesterday

yesterday i was grateful for drinking fountains.
but not the warm kinds. those ones freak me out a little.
so i'm grateful for cold drinking fountains that quench my thirst.
especially the ones in old main.
i could swear they're fresh from the top of our logan mountains.
weird that i just said that. because they probably are.

thank you for drinking fountains. :)

as always... i only remember to show gratitude when it's november.
and also when my sister-in-law courtney reminds me that i need to in her posts.
so i'm following her example.

today i am thankful for clean laundry.

i am ashamed sometimes when i think about how i don't show enough thanks for silly little thingslike that that make my life just a little better. i take for granted clean clothes to wear every day. my favorite thing is the smell of detergent and fabric softener. especially when it is on my pajamas, helping me to fall asleep.

so today, i am thankful for clean laundry.

and hearts too big to fit our bed. (but except hearts too small to be friends with that kid that pulled the fire alarm.)

sometimes i think about how yesterday was perfect.
minus alien class.

...but that's not important. it's not like i was able to listen anyways.

i'm feeling quite under the weather since i endured the evening quite literally under the weather.
hail, rain, snow and all.
because i am not a fair weather fan!
i am an ingrid fan.
hard core.

i just want to brag and say that we were second row. and it was breathtaking.
i know how lame that sounds, and i don't care. because when ingrid sings, i get chills all over.
it's almost like breathing again.
oh wait, no. that's sara b.
aka where i'll be november 17. :)

but back to my point.

last night was one of those nights where i thought of how happy life can be.
when it's snowing outside, and i mean slc snowing. the best kind!
and ingrid is singing six feet in front of my face.
i basked in this happiness all night. intoxicated by it you could say.
...until the fire alarm went off. at 2 a.m. and i had to zombie walk to the outside (how appropriate for the season...) with squinty night time eyes and all.
and six million people with the same face expressions did it too.
that's when the happiness ended.

i hated it so much. it's a good thing i got this picture. it wouldn't be worth it otherwise.

so maybe i played hookie today from school.
i'm sorry, mom.

we're all a little bit freaky. the sequal.

because i like to parade my qualifications for a freak show, i will admit to the following facts:

sometimes i have to tap my fingers five times on my thighs before i can get to sleep. it is weird.
i don't talk to people sometimes. just because i will say awkward things. and i'd rather just not.
i haven't kissed a boy in... a year and a half? should i be admitting that? eh. whatev...
i wash my hands before i go to bed without fail.
wait. is that weird? or does everyone else do that too...
alliteration is probably my favorite thing. ever. i'm a sucker for words with the same beginnings...
i have a thing for michael cera... a big thing. like he is my favorite. it would be cool if i knew why.
i like mr. cera so much that i have a poster of scott pilgrim hanging on my closet door.
i liked the movie scott pilgrim vs. the world. and it was about video games and other weird things.
i just think it is hilarious.
{check it out here. then don't judge me. just remember how we're friends.}

sometimes i'm freaky. and i know i'm not the only one.
so if you feel so inclined, how about you tell me why you're freaky too.
there's no use in hiding it homes.
your secret is safe with me.

mcteamy.

it was a sad day.
a very very. sad day.

the boys are no more.

marc and derek, well.

they are dead.


rest in peace, mcdreamy and mcsteamy.
may you always be in my heart as my favorite mcteamy.


and that's all i have to say about that...

i love my church. my beautiful church.

some things are on my mind tonight, and i have to write them down somewhere. i have to get it off of my chest.

i am proud to be a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints.

it is the greatest thing in my life. just in case you were wondering.
i love that i know who i am, i know god's plan, and i try to follow him each day.
also i love that i knew these things as a 6 year old.
i love missionaries that make this world a better place, and i love the work that they do.
i love being able to stand up for what i don't just believe, but know.
i'm grateful for my knowledge of jesus christ, and my relationship with him.
my favorite thing in the world is that i can be with my family forever and ever.
and also that i get to go inside of that big, beautiful temple someday. which is in reality the happiest place on earth. i am convinced. :)
i'm proud of the other members that stand up for the church, even when it seems too hard.
i'm thankful for the priesthood and all that it does for me.
i don't know where i would be without the book of mormon. if you haven't read it, check into that. it is my favorite book... i think you would enjoy it too! :)

mostly i'm just happy to know that no matter what the adversary tries to do to bring my church down, it won't work. i know that. if you're not sure about it, ask me. and i'll tell you all of the things that i know. and i will say them with a sureness in my voice. this beautiful church makes me the most happy. there is no doubt in my mind that my church teaches truth.

that is all. :)

so i got tagged...

i feel so honored to be tagged in someone else's post! thanks court! love ya! ;)

1. What is your dream job and why?
being a curator for a museum like the met, or the louvre, musee d'orsay, the british museum etc. it is my dream to stand on the sidelines of some of the greatest works in all of the history of art and learn an relearn about them daily.

2. What is your all time favorite TV show or movie?

weirdly, i think it's that 70's show for my favorite t.v. show. there are a lot. but that 70's show can make me laugh no matter how many times i have seen the episode. i loooove it. my all time favorite movie is even harder. i'm going to have to say it's a tie between 500 days of summer, and my best friend's wedding. i guess i'm a sucker for an unhappy ending...
3. Where is your ideal place to live?
easy. a tiny old house on a giant field of green grass that over looks the cliffs of moher in ireland. it would rain every single day and i could wear sweaters and rainboots forever.

4. What is your biggest pet peeve?
girls that can't control their hormones and flirt constantly. ew. just breathe. you'll get married. i promise.

5. What is the first thing you'd buy if you won a million dollars?
tights. all sorts of tights. and then probably a car... maybe in reverse order.

6. What is you're worst fear?
being buried alive in a graveyard to die... scary...

7. If you could be any celebrity who would you be?
zooey deschanel. she is really great.

8. Go to the 8th picture in your fourth album and tell me the story behind it!

little will...
i loooove this picture like nothing else in the whole world.
william andrew rose is my nephew.
so this was during the summer. we were shopping for hours and hours and got bored. our attention spans are most likely the exact same... this was in the makeup aisle. it was a very hot day in the middle of july and i loved it. william is my little buddy and i love his bright red hair. he is the cutest. it never ceases to amaze me that he is four years old, a little boy, and still wants to be my best friend whenever he sees me. i feel like we're attached at the hip when he comes into town. i love that little boy so much! :)

now it's time for some tagging of my own... :)

alex saxton.
megan sanders-smith.
caitlin craig... (yeah that's right. i tagged you. get to blogging caity caity shady lady!)
maddie air-boss.
marissa lynne miller.

1. what is your absolute favorite line from a movie?
2. what is your favorite halloween tradition?
3. what is your favorite seasonal clothing to wear and why?
4. what is your favorite part about weddings?
5. at what point in your day do you find yourself the most exhausted?
6. in all seriousness, what could you just honestly not live without?
7. if you could be anyone in the world, this century or before, who would you choose to be?
8. what is your favorite way to unwind from a completely ridiculous day full of chaos?

the anticdote to my unhealthy school filled life and how the weekend healed me.

cleaning checks.
hot room.
hot house for that matter.
dang that heater...
missing mother.
missing sister.
wish i had no school.
hating people.
which i shouldn't do.
but it's too hard.
occasionally hating life.
but not very often.
need new music.
can't wait for ingrid.
and sara.
hate the voices.
and the noise.
like people practicing brass instruments in the hall.
who does that...
anyway.
i hate the comments.
among other things...

but what a lovely little weekend. :)

i had a mom.
and a sister.
and lots of other sisters.
shopped at target.
swam in my pool.
cuddled with my kitty.
loved seeing densley.
and haley.
bought sweater tights.
grocery shopped in my mom's storage room.
missed my dad.
played wedding games.
stayed far away from friends.
had some family love.

and now i feel healed.

how was your weekend? lovely? let's hope so. :)

while i'm thinking of it...
here's to one day...
when i'll be cleaning up a sunday dinner made for lots more than a loner, and planning out my meals for the next week.
when i'm not in a dorm, but a fixer-upper in progress. rickety boards and faded white wood.
when i've traded in roommates for a husband. that's weird.
when i have money to shop at target.
when i have way more pairs of tights than i'll ever need. wait. not possible.
when i have more tights.
when i'm graduated.
when i don't have to walk up three flights of stairs to get to my twin bed.
when i don't have a twin bed.
when i don't have a cracked iphone.
when i have experienced florence.
when i study art at the met.
when i'm actually who i'm thinking about right now.

here's to that one day in the far off future.
ugh.

happy sunday. :)

it's weird how you can miss some old statues like they're your best friend.

i just miss these in my life.





that is all.

just some common knowledge. you know. things everyone should have already been taught by now.

dear general public of life:
i hope you know that i am doing this for your benefit.
for the record, you've done some things... again... i'm speaking to the general public... that are not what normal people do. so probably watch yourself.
or listen to yourself talk at least.
which shouldn't be hard. since you loooove the sound of your own voice.

1. people usually want to be your friend when you tell the truth. so probably do more of that.
2. don't be someone you're really just not. because it makes you look weird.
3. be nice. everyone likes the nice side of the general public.
4. don't try to be better than everyone else. it will get you no where.
5. don't be jealous. trust me. it will hurt you more than it will help. i've been there before. and let me tell you something. it's anything but a day at the park.
6. lay off, mmk? okay.
7. don't pretend like you know everything about my life. because i can assure you that you don't.
8. dear general public, you will do wonders for yourself if you would just tell the truth.
9. tell the truth.
10. weird. yet again, tell the truth.

please. don't be offended that i have found faults in you lately. you're just not very smart, Public. but you think you are. so that makes things even more awesome. i know. it's harsh. but someone has to tell you. and i'm certainly not afraid.

little love letters.

i just read something.

that used to just make me cry. and now i just laugh. because it is funny. but i'm posting because i love my new life. i know. i say it often, and often is probably too much. but i really do. i love my current position. and i love that i get excited about clean laundry and wallpaper and candles. i love that i can laugh at myself when i read old love letters that are silly and weird. and contain things that i would never say today. or out loud. under any circumstance... because they're weird. i love that i'm excited to make new love letters for a different {and better i might add...} person soon. i love that i am in love with just about every single boy i see now. that didn't used to happen, but now it does because they are all just wonderful.

well most of them.

except you, you little punk that laughed when i ran into someone with my bike.
i hate you.

but back to the good things...

i love that i'm into art projects lately. art projects are fun and i wish i had the time to do them more often. i love that i live next to my best friend of eleven years and we talk about the old days lots and lots. i love that i catch a bus to school. i have missed that the last few years. it is a lot less stressful than driving. except i miss that little green car... i love the girls in 102 that have quickly become my b.f.f.'s. and i love that we have slumber parties with our matresses weekly. and yummy sunday dinners. i love canyon driving and little baby creperies in old houses downtown logan. i love love love love ingrid and can't wait to visit her soon. i secretly love one very handsome person. but he doesn't know it. it's cool... {read on for more information... ;)} and i love that true aggie night is put on by the school. i love that i miss my mom and dad, and i love that they miss me too. i love that jake and court live down the street and i can go to institute with them if i ever wake up in time... oh and i love my new life.
again.

how's your life? i hope it is just as wonderful as mine.

oh and i just want to post this too:
we made a list today in alien class. because i can't listen. i don't get it.
so miss and i make lists. on scales. of... things.

-dear bachelor number 1: you're on this list because you're dashing. and that's a good thing. it's good to be dashing. and we're obsessed with you. you have given us no other choice. obsession is the only option. thank you for breathing. and having a really great face.
-dearest darling handsome bachelor number 2: i think you're my favorite. i wish we could be friends. or maybe at lease speak real words other than just "hi". because you're great. and you donate to the cancer bucket. and you're shy. and you make me feel shy. which has been proven to mean that i think you're lovely. and sometimes you smile at me in the laundry room and i almost drop everything i'm holding, and that obviously means you think i'm great too. okay no. it doesn't. but it could. so think about it. and plus, you are very handsome. and it takes a very specific person to be classified as handsome. and you are the definition of the word. so please. just let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of france if you know what i mean.
-dear bach numero tres: you're fun. and you know every single answer in alien class. and sometimes you read your scriptures before class. i'm not attracted to you, but that's okay. please help me pass school.
-dear bachelor four: hello. i had a dream about you. plus i sat by you today. and i don't know your name. but you know mine. so i feel weird about that.
-dear bachelor number 5: 11 months and counting...

which bach are you leaning towards? :)

and p.s. happy birthday to the best little bailey mae ever! i love you cutie! you're a big six year old! kisses bae mae! love you!

you are goodbye little week. so goodbye! ...and good riddance. :)

wow. WOW.
could i be any happier that this week is over now?
monday. just boring.
tuesday. intelligent life in the universe exam. failed it.
greaaat.
wednesday. primary documents quiz. you know. where you read fifty different documents and then take a test on what you "learned". oh. then i felt like death was upon me.
thursday. woke up, did homework alllll day long. library to class, class to library. failed a c.i.l. test. awesome.
friday. exam first thing in the morning. with essays. i felt like i was taking an a.p. test... i wonder why... run around like a crazy person getting assignments to professors and such. (and by the "and such" part of that, what i really mean is that i rode to school on a bike today. with a short skirt on. i am such an idiot.)

aaaaand i just finished writing a paper on "who should be the beneficiaries of anthropological research" which was interesting to write, but you know. not exactly what i had planned for my friday night.

so you know. if you're wondering if i'm glad that it's friday, i'm happy to say that now i am. although it was the most stressful day of the week this week, i am happy it's here. and almost over.

is it weird that i find comfort in the fact that i know tomorrow all i'm doing is grocery shopping to fill the void of my empty cupboards and even emptier stomach, deep cleaning my entire house with bleach and lemon scented spray, (p.s. i think my roommates are probably glad i didn't put out a chore chart this week... maddie if you're blog stalking me right now you can't tell me that you're not happy. i know you are glad to be free of the clean freak in 301.) and lastly doing laundry.

and going to this! :) can't wait! i need some encouragement in my life. especially this week.

i have to say...
dear ipod,
you have been my bff this week. thank you so much for supporting me and lifting my chin up when it was so low to the ground. all week. and i mean... ALL WEEK.
you're the best.

anyway...
monday. i'm so excited to greet you again.
bring on next week.
can't possibly be as pathetic as this one was.

...and i hope your weekend will be as lovely as i'm determined to make mine!

ohhh and p.p.s.
carter austin and colton next weekend for a visit!
can't WAIT.
i miss those boys in my life.

we're all a little bit freaky. take uno.

today i was at walmart.

and let's be honest. when i'm there, i'm buying everything. always thinking to myself, "no. i don't need that." yet... somehow, i can always find a reason that i DO in fact need that. and today, i looked in the basket and saw a package of chips ahoy, nasal blackhead strips, generic brand astringent because i'm a college student not a multi millionaire, cotton balls, a tom cruise movie, and nail polish remover. (all for 20 big ones i might add. thanks.) while gazing into the wire basket of death, i thought to myself, "would anyone be friends with me based on my purchases tonight?"

the answer was quickly given to me.
no. because i am so weird.
which led me to another idea... like thinking always does...

i. am a freak.

so here we go.
things that make me a freak. part one.

i have realized today that i would rather be deep cleaning my kitchen with lemon scented cleaner than doing a load of other things. for instance:
-hanging out at the fraternities. yeah... not that fun.
-being in my english class. dear professor-who-shall-remain-nameless-for-the-purpose-of-the-unlikely-event-that-you-ever-read-this: i am waaaay more qualified to teach this class than you are by the way.
-being with the wardies. you guys are the worst.
-riding my bike.
-sleeping.
-watching t.v.

also, i hate touching paper with dry hands.
what?! who hates that?
more importantly, who likes touching paper with wet hands?
me.
which leads to the conclusion.
that i am a freak.
but it's okay.

because inside, whether we want to admit it or not, if you're julia roberts or the girl next door, you're a freak. and you know it.

i want to crawl back. inside my mother's womb. i want to shut out. all the lights. in this room.

twenty minutes.
twenty minutes of a tired mom.

after debating whether or not agriculture was a productive thing for mankind or not in my anthropology class, i hopped in the car with jake and court. we drove to salt lake where the most charming of all fairs stood waiting for us. there were innumerable ferris wheels. we ate cotton candy until it came out of our noses. we slid down big yellow slides and watched exotic animals ranging from tigers to sea lions play in a desert far from their home.


needless to say, it was lovely.

we got home around midnight. so naturally i went to see my friends.

it sure was good to see those boys again.
i really forget how much i miss them. who knows what is going to happen to me when all of them are gone.
no. i can't think about it right now.
so anyway.
after driving around in the daw family's big red van, i slid through the door at around one in the morning.
mom was asleep and i didn't want to wake her.
i hated that she was asleep though.

because all i wanted to do was talk to her face to face, and be in the same room with her.
i have taken that for granted my whole life, and i'll never do it again.
so i went and had a slumber party with my big sister watching my newest favorite moive, letters to juliet.
it just makes me smile inside.

eight thirty rolled around pretty fast saturday morning.
but i ran up the stairs to mom's bedroom as fast as i could hoping that she would already be awake.
good news. she was.
but things got bad once i told her we were leaving in about twenty minutes.
she got a sad look on her face, and i maybe started to shed some tears.
i didn't want to leave. :(

getting in the car was bad.
i just wanted to cry, but when i hugged that mom of mine, and she squeezed me tight, i held it in like the big, strong, tough girl that i always pretend i am.
even when i know that my mother won't stop waving until our car is out of sight.
i still held in all of those crocodile tears that always try to get out.
because i'm a big, strong, tough girl.
and i usually win in the fight against crocodile tears.

i hate sometimes that i live a million miles away from the life that i lived for twelve years. i hate that my new friends don't know what fort street is, or where you can find the whisper dome. i hate that i have to call my mom every time i'm frustrated and i can't just come in, throw my books on the granite counter top and say everything that's on my mind while she pauses reading her craft magazine. i hate that we communicate through a speaker without hugs, kisses, or smiles.
it sucks.
mckenzie told me on the first day that we lived here that the first step to getting over homesickness is admitting that you have it.
i haven't felt that way until this very night.
so dear mckenzie:
my name is courtney kearns, and i am sick for home.

but just in case you are worried about me...
don't be.
because i am having a blast in my new life.
i just miss my mom sometimes.
especially when room 102 makes p0t roast and it tastes just like all of those sunday nights on osborne lane.
dearest sweet mother: i miss you terribly.
love, your baby girl
courty.

and then i remembered how i'm already enrolled in the class and it's too hard to get out of.

i could kill tennis with my bare hands.
i hate sports.
i hate them!
and i hate that i have to get up,
just to get ready,
just to go to tennis.
which as previously stated...
i hate!
those stupid yellow balls are almost as bad as lady gag me's outfit choice at the vma's.
but i'm a bigger fan of her.

well there you go.

musings of a middle class young lady. i owe it all to you mr. pres.

dear mr. president,
oh barrack. how you never cease to amaze me. why is it, sir, that you feel the need to continually make everything about yourself? when speaking on the fiscal plan, only you can find a way to speak of the election that you so "victoriously" won. i've got news for ya, buddy. you didn't win because you were the right man for the job. ;) i know what i say next will be hard for you to understand, but please. just try with all of your might to do so. please stop blaming others for playing politics when you yourself know that game very well. dear mr. o, it's not your party, so no. you don't have the right to cry if you want to. save that for those middle class little girls that are obviously in need of your help so much. oh wait... that's me... and i'm not crying, so why are you? dear mr. president... please stop talking. very few of us like the sound of your voice as much as you do. and plus, the rest of us get way too much of you these days. the view called. they want their celeb back.

love, a very concerned citizen.
{and lowly middle class young woman. ohhh and p.s. i'm going to college. so i'm not THAT lowly. just in case you wanted some hard facts.}

maybe is a vicious little word that can slay me? how does she come up with these things...

forgive me.
for this post is looong overdue.
but for the record, keeel me now.
aka kill me now.
keeel is just so much more dramatic. so naturally i felt the need to use it.

there are two big, huge, and anything but brief acknowledgments that need to be addressed.
coincidentally, they go hand in hand.

background on the sitch?

today was the best day of my entire life. and the worst.
first.
sara b. maybe she is my all time fave.
{second only to ingrid of course.}
and maybe her new album came out today.
you're missing out if you haven't thought about buying it.
because you should.
second.
maybe i am in love with a person that has no idea that i breath. or do anything of that nature.
maybe.
i don't know.
just maybe.
and maybe i hate my life when i have to sit in class and hear him talk.
because you know.
maybe i'm in love with him.
again. maybe.

so here goes.

dear sara b:
you know you're my favorite. you know you can hit notes on an unreal level, and you know that those are notes i can only dream of hitting. sometimes i hate you. but not really. because you are sara b. and you've got my back. speaking of which... today. you totally had my back. this song made my day. even if it was for the worst reason ever. which is going to be made known in just a moment. you get me, you really do.

dear best part of my tuesday:
you are the worst dancer ever. and you are really cute when you run. and you are such a nerd that likes classes that i want to run far away from. and i wish we could date. but too bad we can't. please next time we have class together, don't say religious things, or things that make you sound sensitive. because you know. it makes me want to confess to the world that you're my new favorite thing. and i'd love to remain silent about that. so please. next time, just sit. and don't make me hate myself for an hour. p.s. for the record, i breathe. and do other things of that nature.

men are that they might have joy. i exist to be happy. :)

home is weird.
because it's no longer located in draper utah.
and it makes me feel like my life is going on without me.
except that it's not. i just have a new life.
again. terribly weird.

yet, i love it?

and it's new for me. because for the first time in a long time, i'm completely
intoxicated by happy. wanna know why?
okay. i'll tell you.

so there was this one time where i was dark and twisty.
i think there was a point in time for approximately two years in high school where my favorite color was grey.
so that should have been a red flag.
but anyway.
so when i was all sad about everything, i didn't understand what was happening.
i didn't know why i wasn't happy,
i didn't know when all of the unhappiness was going to end,
i was mad at several individuals for various reasons.
ie...
breaking my heart.
making decisions that should have been made by me.
not saying sorry.
being mean.
anyway.
so i just came to a realization.
today.
i know. today.
i used to pray. hard. and a lot. and nothing would come. i wasn't angry, i was just bugged.
kind of like, "hey heavenly father. remember me? remember how you said that you would protect me from bad things and mean people? remember that? so where are you, and what have you done with my best friend that used to help me out all the time?"
i'm sure that he just laughed and laughed.
"come on, courty. you're not this dark twisted soul." i'm pretty sure he said that in his head.
he probably was just waiting impatiently until this day, september 5, when i would flick on the light switch in my brain.
knowing him, he wanted me to get here faster than i did.
but boy am i glad he didn't intervene.

today in church, my heart was softened.
we read a scripture in doctrine and covenants section 6, verses 22 and 23.
that lovely little scripture has brought me so much joy on this one little sunday than i have had in a long, long time.

"{courty, courty, courty...} verily, verily, i say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. {if you don't remember anything i have ever said, will you remember that time when you felt the spirit so strongly? that first time you began to build a testimony? do you remember how you felt? like i wouldn't leave you?} did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? {did i not tell you that i would hand you a trial every once in a while, but you'd be okay? i promised you that you would come out on top. remember that?} what greater witness can you have than from God? {what else do you want me to say? i keep my promises.}"

my word.
goose bumps prickled my legs and arms the second i read that.
who am i to doubt him? he is bound when i just keep his commandments.
whether it takes two years of watching unpleasant things unfold before my eyes or not,
if i keep praying and doing his will, he's going to bless me.
and he has. way more than i deserve.
though the last few years were rough, i feel like heavenly father is blessing me for sticking them out.
i am pleased to state that my favorite color is now canary yellow.
those weirdo years, they were the worst. but now, Heavenly Father has blessed me with new friends, no familiar couple faces, a brand new life, and a chance to hit the restart button.
even when i cried and cried to him on bended knee, expecting his results to be much the same as a box of instant pudding, he had a different plan for me. which i am so grateful for.
i will never doubt him ever again.
obviously he knows me better than i know myself.
and loves me too. :)
thank goodness for the scriptures
and my best friend that lives to help me.
even when i don't believe him.

so to wrap it up...
men are that they might have joy.
and today my joy is based off of probably the smallest trial i will encounter in my life.
so bring on the big ones, baby.
i'm ready to trust again.

have a wonderful sunday.
and don't forget to talk to Heavenly Father.
he's waiting to bless you.
:)

here's to one day....

maybe i'm wedding obsessed. but trust me. this picture deserves a second once a day post.
i am in love. this website is wonderful.

a terrible and happy day. all at once.

on this weird afternoon, i would like to acknowledge the lovely things that have made this day a little bit better:

1. joshua radin.
2. sitting down in the elevator when there's no one else in there.
3. anthropology. lovely little class.
4. anthropologie. even if housewares are all i'm buying...
5. homophones.
6. soda pop and the big ice cubes.
7. the minty green beach cruiser plus the view of old main.
8. my intelligent life in the universe class. who knew i could earn three credits for watching signs and lilo and stitch. what a joke that class is...
9. polka dot fabric shoes. maybe they're my life these days.
10. fruit snacks that smile.

now for some brief acknowledgments:

to people on the quad: i am on a bike. and i'm not very stable with a tennis racket on my back. plus fifty pounds of books. please don't wait for me to make a sound. or fall. just move.
to repair man: thanks a bunch for bringing us a new faucet and light bulb for our refrigerator.
to becca: thanks for making our dreams a reality.
to professor glass-coffin: your name just gets me.
to english class that i have already taken: i'm way ahead of you.
to abc family: you should have stopped at the secret life of the american teenager. you're just getting lamer.
to people that can't date me for a whole year: maybe i'm in love with you. maybe.
to that 70's show: you make me very happy.
to international students: keep on filming!
to sleep: probably i should get more of you soon.

i hope your wednesday was filled with lots of students too.
love, courty.

so then i remembered that i hate my life because it's not complete anymore.

this blog keeps me sane when i'm deprived of art history.
...and how i miss my good friend dearly.
the closest i got to a blissful reunion this semester was anthropology...
which is a wonderful addition to my schedule i might add.
however.
nothing beats the study of t.m.n.t. and the renaissance.

i miss these guys lots.
so here's a tribute to you,
donatello,
michelangelo,
raphael,
and leonardo.
we shall meet again soon.
and hopefully next semester.
i love you,
love, courty.

p.s.
especially you, mr. michelangelo.
thanks for doing the pieta.
it gets me out of bed each morning.
i don't know where i'd be without you, buddy.

my brother does the opposite of beat me up.

i love sister sundays.
thanks jake, court, and lauren. :)

i hope your sunday was as lovely as mine.

it's like you're always stuck in second gear.

i wish i were here right now hearing them. it's kind of the depression of my day.

we left chicken to spill down into the stove last time we made dinner. and it burned all up.
so now our whole house smells like the color black.
it's the worst.
i walked lots today. and i think i'm getting blisters.
plus, i teared up when i was forced to watch a video today about patriotism.
actually i was wiping my really wet eyes.
very sneakishly.
those videos always get to me.
i love my country lots and lots.
and i can't control my tears when people talk about how much they love it too.
but i took these during a break in my day!
and i sort of love them...

and this is what our house looks like.

and i miss this girl.


well. now i have to go to the store for windex. and lysol.
because apparently i buy those things now.
happy thursday.
hang in there. friday is coming.

who doesn't want the scottsman stuck in their head all day?

let me focus on the lovely things.

our living room is a giant. it's the kind of living room that makes the other living rooms jealous.
there is new art in my room.
i am constantly moving.
maybe i'm wearing an edward cullen shirt. and maybe i'm too embarrassed to admit that it's comforting.
austin is visiting us on friday.
logan huntsburger is real. as well as in my ward.
there are hot pockets in the freezer, and lemon bar mix in the pantry.
i made a new friend.

now for the not so lovely... a few brief acknowledgments are in order.

dear school: you are the weirdest.
dear ducks at the dam: you deserve better. i'm sorry.
dear mom and dad: i miss sleeping down the hall from you, and plus i miss family prayer.
dear tooth paste: secretly, you made me really miss home today. so tomorrow, i think i'll go with crest.
dear 1:00 a.m.: you are my bed time these days...
dear random loser who waltzed right into our house today: get your own orange juice.
dear candles: it's killin me not to burn you.
dear obnoxious twin sisters: please stop chomping on your gum while you're sitting behind me in class. and being dumb flirty girls that use words like "righteous" and "dang cool". there are two of you, and one of me. i beg of you. have mercy.
dear becca: why are you everywhere...

overall, it has been weird. not good or bad. just weird. so i'd like it to pick up with the good and roll with that trait for a while. is that too much to ask?

oh. and dear friends that don't blog. or read this. i miss you terribly. just in case you were wondering.

you're not my best friend right now. shape up.

oh room, oh room, oh room.
thank you for storing all of the things in life that i need.
thank you for holding my clothes for 12 years like you have.
thank you for letting me post pictures with tape... even if it does hurt your walls.
thank you for letting me rock out sometimes when i'm alone.
thanks a load for being big enough to have sleepovers in.
thank you for having lots of windows so that i don't have to flip on the light switch.
thank you for watching me grow up.

however.

i really hate you right now.
no, like really.
you're the worst.

you housed old notes from old boyfriends that i had the annoying task of reading this past week.
couldn't you just lose those like i've lost so many more important things in you before?
i'll trade you.
my jolly goat from the great move of '98
for those notes.
you can have them.
i hate those notes.
you won't let me sleep in peace.
you're so friggin' hot, and your fan doesn't work.
you're on the corner of the house, so i don't really like that about you...
and your walls are white.
that thing itself could make a person go ballistic.

anyway...
i love you, but it would help me out if you'd cooperate with me.
because you're composed of boxes and boxes of stuff.
who even knows what that STUFF is!
dear room:
don't get me started on your STUFF.

pppplease just finish packing yourself up.
i'm tired of finding notes that suck.

thank you,
your faithful room attendant,
courtney.

maybe i only brushed my teeth tonight because the toothpaste was pink and sparkly.
i might not have washed my face before i crawled into bed.
and the pilot poster in my room right now looks an awful lot like ashton kutcher.
which i'm fine with.

i hate packing up my room.
and not having new music to listen to while packing up said room.
so now i'm sitting on my bed watching while you were sleeping waiting impatiently for my life to start picking up again.
summer. please just exit with a vote of thanks already. because you're really buggin.

and plus. i'm just now thinking of things that i should maybe have for my new life in a week.
like cookie sheets.
i have never thought so hard about a cookie sheet before.

it took me about a week to decide between two bed spreads.
and i have to take the reject back to the store tomorrow.
so that puts a stitch in my day.

at least sunday was good. very good.
it was my last one as a youth of the 4th ward.
then we had our last little sunday dinner complete with a pork roast and finger leg potatoes.
and how lovely those were.

the lovelies of today were these:
i wore a new skirt.
my hair looked blonder.
i actually did my hair. you know. i didn't just brush it out and go to church with wet hair.
i did it.
i ate so much sugar i could match the sands of the sahara.
aaaand i got to paint my nails whatever color i wanted.

have a great week you trusty followers, you. mine will be filled with bittersweet moving boxes and a daunting closet full of awkward memories.

i wish i weren't sitting at my kitchen table. i think that's clear.

they have sunflowers here.

not real sunflowers, i know. but they have the good ones. the yellow petals with the brown center? you know.

sunflowers.

i love those kinds.

i wish we had some real ones. bigger. ones with lots of seeds that will fall come september. but we don't. because those only grow in fields under the constant sunshine. i wish i had a tuscan sunshine and a field to grow my sunflowers.

the ones with the seeds.

i wish i had a vineyard. a vineyard to sell all types of wine that i wouldn't drink. a vineyard that resembled stripes of thread on a quilt, weaving their way along a fraying edge in clean lines. i wish i could just walk. smell european air that made its debut long before the soil that i'm typing from.

i want big sunflowers and rows of grapes.

to take my bike and run it through the dirt, trying to keep my breath inside of me, but failing to do so. i wish i could ride my bike through florence, the south of france, and tuscany. pulling my hair up into a tight pony tail. you know what i mean. when you pull your hair up. because then it's not in your way. you feel like nothing is in your way now, because you can't see a single whisp of your very own hair. it's pulled up. and you feel like you could ride until the sun came back up again, or went down for good.

a beige skirt and white shoes. no makeup or voices. because they take away from the sepia toned sky. well not really. it's blue. the sky is blue. but you feel like you're in a photograph taken of someone who actually lives this life. so voices and face paint would surely ruin the sky's tint.
obviously.

to be alone in verona.

with the absence of voices, blush, and free falling hair.
laughing at the dappled sunlight on your clean face, and playing in a field of grapes.
they have sunflowers there.

the big ones. ones with seeds.

so that's when i knew that there's nothing better than sprite, pizza, and a pooring rain storm.

soooo i forgot that it's friday today.
but i'm tired of fun facts.

so then i had this idea to make a few brief acknowledgments:

to toaster: why did you break yesterday? you are my only source of breakfast.
to boyfriend: why are you not real.
to patterned tights: thank you for always being there for me when i need you most.
to t-strap shoes: i am your biggest fan.
to nordstom: i wish i could afford everything that you have to offer.
to 15 year old boy at subway: no matter how many times you leave a three dollar tip, you will always make me feel creeped out. i'm sorry. cut your hair and maybe we'll talk.
to face: please stop peeling. it's getting increasingly hard to put my makeup on.
to blackhead strip: we're in love. it's new, so forgive yourself for not realizing.
to shorts: i can't wait to trade you in for a nice long pair of skinny jeans.
to school clothes: i'm counting down the days until i can wear you. you're reeaally pretty. :)
to school: i don't know how i feel about starting you. we'll talk in two, three weeks tops.
to last pedicure: you suck.
to movies: i would watch you all day if i could.
to grey's: wow. you're addicting. and i watched 8 hours of you in the past two days.
to work: you're fun and i'm going to miss you. :(
to sweatshirts: can't wait to unpack you from boxes!
to red lipstick: let's give it a go, what do you say...?
to eat. pray. love.: can't wait until we meet!
to haircut: i can't wait.
to boy meets world: you're the best show to ever grace my childhood. and newly found adulthood. ironically enough.
to brother jake: whenever you laugh at something, it makes it way funnier than it was before. i don't know why.
to sprite: welcome back to my life. i've missed you. now could you please convince your cousin remix to come back? i miss her.

love, courty.

happy weekend!

that time when i became unhealthily obsessed with polaroids.

did i mention that i like polaroids?
because i do.

here is the lovely i found today.
p.s.
my new way of using the word lovely.
is as a noun.

i found this little gem in my library today.
we went sledding this day at an elementary school.
so naturally i polaroided it.
yes. polaroided.
it's a verb.

my new favorites.

domo, {which because i am art history obsessed, i always want to call duomo... as in brunelleschi's. any takers? no? hm. wrong venue.}
****
this little magazine clipping i snagged the other day.
i'm madly in like with it.
****
and that little awkward wanna-roid on the end there?
that guy has a happy things story.
i ate all of my chicken pot pie.
then i looked down. and realized that the only things left on my plate were peas.
subconsciously, i didn't eat the peas.
i picked those little guys out without even noticing.
i'm the 5 year old that hates peas.
but clandestinely, i love that i hate peas.
i don't know why.
it's times like these when i wonder if i'll ever grow up.


except that i did grow up today.
because...
i... being 18 and all... got myself a blockbuster card and sold that video store out of grey's.
then found these faded glories of my pretty mountain.
and the temple that brings so much happiness to our little valley. :)


and then i plugged in mat kearney and drove up to the happiest place on earth.
and all was bliss.

temple deserved its own spot.
i was awfully pleased with this view.
i really really love my church.

i smudged it.
would you believe this?
my iphone ap gets smudged.
now that's quality polaroid.

i sure am going to miss this view.
my porch is the best way to visit the wasatch mountains.
please don't argue.

in other news...

i cried today when i drove down fort street.
i really love home.
thunder was breaking the sky and the clouds were folding into each other.
yet all i could see was lightening.
lots happened above our house tonight.

i didn't eat all day.
because i felt like my poor stomach was dying.
but then tonight i was hungry.
and the fridge was calling my name.
and so now i have a new favorite thing to do.

so then i sat cross-legged on the kitchen counter listening to the crunchy thunder
eating strawberry yogurt and the pc honey butter on toast.
and i was all alone.
and i shook when the thunder got really loud.
and i really liked it.
secretly.

p.s.
i think everyone deserves an iphone.
because there are too many moments that i'm so glad i catch.
without my friend iphone granny smith {because she's lime green}
i would lose those.
so do yourself a favor.
go buy yourself a niiiiice iphone.
you deserve it.


and for the record, i'm still happy.
happy goodnight! i hope you find lovely in your night tonight!

intoxicated by happy.

i really love to be happy.

and i also love:

sacrificing my pretty sleep for 500 days of summer.
that i have a polaroid ap that lets me take lovely pictures.
saying the word lovely.
that i might start this movie over again and watch it until the end. again.
that it's 2 in the morning, and i have no intention of going to bed.
that i have the mid-shift at the hot dog stand two days in a row. :)
that i'm lying in a big bed right now with lots of pillows and the fan on high.
that my mom and i had a talk sunday night about nothing.
my happy, brilliant, wonderful, dear sweet mother who loves me just because i exist.
that i get to move in two and a half weeks and meet people who don't know anything about me.
that i'm turning into someone i want to be. it has taken me a while, and i'm still working on it. but i'm close. i can feel it.
that i bought pretty flowered patterned tights today.
the word pretty.
that i don't know what love really is yet. i can't wait until i find out. it gives me butterflies just to think about.
getting butterflies.
my iphone.
studded earrings.
music.
old grey t-shirts.
art galleries.
sushi.
sneezing.
ironed clothes.
it when a boy leaves on a mission.
it when a boy comes home from a mission and shows the world his awkward side.
that before i go to bed, a bowl of life cereal always sounds appetizing.
to fall in like. it happens to me about once a day in various categories.
hearing bits of conversations and writing them down so i can look at them later.
writing things down.
my friends that i will miss so much when i get outta town.
mushaboom.
joseph gordon levitt.
dreaming.
t.v.s with antennae.
movies with an honest script.
flowers that look like baloons.
red finger nail polish.
circlular diamonds.
the reality and expectation scene that makes this movie greater than it already is.
an lds boy.
bow ties.

today, i was intoxicated with happy.

but i must report the week as well.


i'm back from pc. the fam is gone and i am sad. but i feel a little bit of structure seeping into my life again, and it feels good. in all honesty, good isn't the right word. i feel clean. structure makes me feel clean.

you know, clean.

like as in you just got out of the shower, and you feel like you can take a deep breath. that is, unless the bathroom is not clean. in that case, you feel dirtier than when you got in.

but my bathroom is clean.
so i can take a deep breath.
and breath in that beautiful structure.
:)

in the pc last week, we had quite the little storm.
what an understatement that was.

it was like a clash of the titans up there.
but the sky fell, and all was wonderful.

here are a few pictures of what we saw in that little mountain town that wants to be german.

our view into wonderful rain.

i loved this.

...and this.

oh. and i loved photo-shopping this.

we played no peaky leaky, {or i wanna leak a peaky} jammed to sara, drove through that stunning canyon, shopped at the outlets, and ate like kings. among other things.

but back to my night of blithe emotions.

i've been polaroiding.
and loving it.

a few weeks to go until the split.
and i'm spending my time snapping digital polaroids of the people i love to love.
so here are some samples of my first ones.

i really love my best friend.
and how upside down tacos make great smiles.

our missionary friend.

polaroid lovin.

this picture says so much. by saying so little.

a few lovely people.

it was all just so blissful.
i am so happy that happy loves me too. :)


happy intoxication day!