November 24, 2014

"But by God, there will be dancing."

I watched My Best Friend's wedding again tonight and almost cried several times because no matter how much my life progresses, I'm still the Julianne Potter and someone else is still the Michael O'Neal. And do you know how hard that is to come to terms with? 

Anyway, all of this led to an emotional conversation with my best friend, Austin. You know, the George. The one who grounds me and reminds me that "Michael's chasing Kimmie, you're chasing Michael, and who's. chasing. you... Nobody. Get it?"

I love him like WOAH. 

November 16, 2014

I pick up the phone.
“Can I come over? Are you busy right now?” It’s Jude. I feel his urgency and can’t say no.
“Of course. Are you alright?” I ask.
“Yeah, I just need some Courtney time.”

            Twenty minutes later, I am wrapped in a plush blanket on the sofa in my living room. He walks in the door, removes his coat, and looks at me.
            “I’m not interrupting anything, right?”
            “No, I’m just reading. Come here, sit down.” I bookmark my chapter and flip on the T.V. The news is on, so we watch for a while.
            “I’m going to get a glass of water,” he says, “do you want anything while I'm up?”
            “Coke, please. It’s in the fridge below the—”
            “Deli drawer. I know.” He comes back over, sets down a glass of ice and the can.
            “How’d you know I’d want ice?”
            “Because for two years, I’ve studied your intricacies, and ice, even with a refrigerated can of coke, is one of them.” His face is emotionless and pale.
            “What’s wrong, are you okay?” He sets his glass down on the coffee table, reaches for my knee, and lays his head in my lap. I freeze.
            “Do you know why I came here?” My hands are to my sides, to myself.
            “No. Why?”
            “Because I needed consoling and I needed it from you.”
            “Okay,” I say. “Is this about your mom?” 
            “I don’t want to talk about that,” he says, “I just want to be here because I tried to think of the last time I felt safe and it was with you.” Hands still to my side, I let him keep talking. “I wanted to feel safe and less alone and it brought me here.” I don’t reach for him or tell him that I feel less lonely with him, too. Instead, I let him lie in my lap, hand on my knee, until quarter to midnight comes, when I know he’ll leave. 

November 13, 2014

A quick hello from the busiest person in the world.

Well, okay, no.

I am not the busiest person in the world. But holy hell am I MAY AS WELL BE.

So, this is just to say, I am alive. I am well. I am not making boys fall in love with me. And the ones who I might've tried to coax into it wave to me from the hot tub in the courtyard and say Where are you off to in such a rush? Come on in! But I don't. I never do. Because even though my old roommate's ex-boyfriend (who is now my neighbor) looks like Jacob Black, and sits in that hot tub with an almost-degree in political science, I still just do not have time for him. And :( about that.

I am working my tail off planning events, writing press releases, being a top notch employee, researching for this new business transition and planning marketing strategies for a media avenue that I don't understand (but pretend to!)... and all of the shit is slipping at school because it's my senior semester, and GOOD NIGHT, I wouldn't wish any of this upon my worst enemy. It is tough stuff.

My parents have been in Israel for a month and while I think it's really cute that they think they can abandon me like that, it doesn't work that way. I have been a mess without them. I spoke with my mom on the phone the other day and cried. Just cried about the mess my life has erupted into since she has been gone. She, of course, was sympathetic and wonderful. Told me that anything I needed, she could help. But they stopped by Paris on their way home (eye rolls all around) and have "just been having the loveliest time!"And who knows when they're coming back now.

Jude Law has begun to realize the depth of my neediness. Recently, he told me "You're more emotional than you usually are. Lately, you've been letting your emotions rule you and I don't know. It's just not like you. Are you okay? What's going on..." Funny thing is, it's exactly like me, he has just never been in the eye of the storm like he is this go-round. Guess that's the way it goes when you have exactly ONE friend in the town you live. You become readable. Something I've never been before.

Anyway, I'm going crazy--crazy. Like I've never gone before. I don't know. Do we think it will pass?

And, you guys, how would you feel about a different blog? A fresh start. Is there anyone out there still reading this? I think it's time, don't you?