and so i went and let you blow my mind.

there is a song that intoxicates you, forcing you into an allusive state that you just can't deny. i know there is. and it may not be this one for you, but yes... this train-blaring, overheard, top 5 on the charts, most downloaded song of 2010 does it to me. i can't listen, and refuse the memory of the first time i heard it. it's just not possible. i have tried many times to kick it out of my head, but at the end of the day i always end up surrendering, and am suddenly unwillingly {yet somehow always willing in the back of my mind} taken back one and a half novembers ago. my hair was in loose curls, and i had dressed myself in a beige sweater and cream pin striped vest; i wore off-white rosebud earrings that night. i can't remember a time that i laughed more. and even if i hate admitting it to myself, {and the w.w.w. for that matter} it is a guilty pleasure of mine--and i am in love with the way it takes me back. :)

{good night.}

we'd spend our days traveling.

this morning, i woke up in cork, ireland.

yes. that's right.


here.

this is my favorite place in the world. in case you are ever faced with a life and death situation, and the only way you can survive is by answering a question about my favorite place. it's here. in cork.

i just saved your life.

i haven't been here yet. but come the third week in may, this is where i'll reeeeally be.
in ireland and england.
i just can't get my mind off of traveling right now.
and the fact that i still have four months of waiting to do.

who am i kidding. can i ever get my mind off of that? it's me we're talking about here.
it might be that i have to go to school in a few hours and green scenery trumps biology any day.
plus it's like. no degrees outside.
k but literally....


and it doesn't help when you need new music and no one to give it to you.

oh. and today, i miss high school.
because of the reasons below, explained in the picture.

kenzie bee and my favorite boys.


ugh. growing up is hard to do...

sorry. i'm not feeling so profound in the writing department lately.
maybe i'll get my mojo back when all of these memory lane blues go away.

on the plus side, it's friday!
and i get to go home today. to my parents, sister, and all of my favorite friends.
:)

{have a happy little weekend.}

i want to crawl back. inside my mother's womb. i want to shut out. all the lights. in this room.

twenty minutes.
twenty minutes of a tired mom.

after debating whether or not agriculture was a productive thing for mankind or not in my anthropology class, i hopped in the car with jake and court. we drove to salt lake where the most charming of all fairs stood waiting for us. there were innumerable ferris wheels. we ate cotton candy until it came out of our noses. we slid down big yellow slides and watched exotic animals ranging from tigers to sea lions play in a desert far from their home.


needless to say, it was lovely.

we got home around midnight. so naturally i went to see my friends.

it sure was good to see those boys again.
i really forget how much i miss them. who knows what is going to happen to me when all of them are gone.
no. i can't think about it right now.
so anyway.
after driving around in the daw family's big red van, i slid through the door at around one in the morning.
mom was asleep and i didn't want to wake her.
i hated that she was asleep though.

because all i wanted to do was talk to her face to face, and be in the same room with her.
i have taken that for granted my whole life, and i'll never do it again.
so i went and had a slumber party with my big sister watching my newest favorite moive, letters to juliet.
it just makes me smile inside.

eight thirty rolled around pretty fast saturday morning.
but i ran up the stairs to mom's bedroom as fast as i could hoping that she would already be awake.
good news. she was.
but things got bad once i told her we were leaving in about twenty minutes.
she got a sad look on her face, and i maybe started to shed some tears.
i didn't want to leave. :(

getting in the car was bad.
i just wanted to cry, but when i hugged that mom of mine, and she squeezed me tight, i held it in like the big, strong, tough girl that i always pretend i am.
even when i know that my mother won't stop waving until our car is out of sight.
i still held in all of those crocodile tears that always try to get out.
because i'm a big, strong, tough girl.
and i usually win in the fight against crocodile tears.

i hate sometimes that i live a million miles away from the life that i lived for twelve years. i hate that my new friends don't know what fort street is, or where you can find the whisper dome. i hate that i have to call my mom every time i'm frustrated and i can't just come in, throw my books on the granite counter top and say everything that's on my mind while she pauses reading her craft magazine. i hate that we communicate through a speaker without hugs, kisses, or smiles.
it sucks.
mckenzie told me on the first day that we lived here that the first step to getting over homesickness is admitting that you have it.
i haven't felt that way until this very night.
so dear mckenzie:
my name is courtney kearns, and i am sick for home.

but just in case you are worried about me...
don't be.
because i am having a blast in my new life.
i just miss my mom sometimes.
especially when room 102 makes p0t roast and it tastes just like all of those sunday nights on osborne lane.
dearest sweet mother: i miss you terribly.
love, your baby girl
courty.