September 5, 2010

men are that they might have joy. i exist to be happy. :)

home is weird.
because it's no longer located in draper utah.
and it makes me feel like my life is going on without me.
except that it's not. i just have a new life.
again. terribly weird.

yet, i love it?

and it's new for me. because for the first time in a long time, i'm completely
intoxicated by happy. wanna know why?
okay. i'll tell you.

so there was this one time where i was dark and twisty.
i think there was a point in time for approximately two years in high school where my favorite color was grey.
so that should have been a red flag.
but anyway.
so when i was all sad about everything, i didn't understand what was happening.
i didn't know why i wasn't happy,
i didn't know when all of the unhappiness was going to end,
i was mad at several individuals for various reasons.
breaking my heart.
making decisions that should have been made by me.
not saying sorry.
being mean.
so i just came to a realization.
i know. today.
i used to pray. hard. and a lot. and nothing would come. i wasn't angry, i was just bugged.
kind of like, "hey heavenly father. remember me? remember how you said that you would protect me from bad things and mean people? remember that? so where are you, and what have you done with my best friend that used to help me out all the time?"
i'm sure that he just laughed and laughed.
"come on, courty. you're not this dark twisted soul." i'm pretty sure he said that in his head.
he probably was just waiting impatiently until this day, september 5, when i would flick on the light switch in my brain.
knowing him, he wanted me to get here faster than i did.
but boy am i glad he didn't intervene.

today in church, my heart was softened.
we read a scripture in doctrine and covenants section 6, verses 22 and 23.
that lovely little scripture has brought me so much joy on this one little sunday than i have had in a long, long time.

"{courty, courty, courty...} verily, verily, i say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things. {if you don't remember anything i have ever said, will you remember that time when you felt the spirit so strongly? that first time you began to build a testimony? do you remember how you felt? like i wouldn't leave you?} did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? {did i not tell you that i would hand you a trial every once in a while, but you'd be okay? i promised you that you would come out on top. remember that?} what greater witness can you have than from God? {what else do you want me to say? i keep my promises.}"

my word.
goose bumps prickled my legs and arms the second i read that.
who am i to doubt him? he is bound when i just keep his commandments.
whether it takes two years of watching unpleasant things unfold before my eyes or not,
if i keep praying and doing his will, he's going to bless me.
and he has. way more than i deserve.
though the last few years were rough, i feel like heavenly father is blessing me for sticking them out.
i am pleased to state that my favorite color is now canary yellow.
those weirdo years, they were the worst. but now, Heavenly Father has blessed me with new friends, no familiar couple faces, a brand new life, and a chance to hit the restart button.
even when i cried and cried to him on bended knee, expecting his results to be much the same as a box of instant pudding, he had a different plan for me. which i am so grateful for.
i will never doubt him ever again.
obviously he knows me better than i know myself.
and loves me too. :)
thank goodness for the scriptures
and my best friend that lives to help me.
even when i don't believe him.

so to wrap it up...
men are that they might have joy.
and today my joy is based off of probably the smallest trial i will encounter in my life.
so bring on the big ones, baby.
i'm ready to trust again.

have a wonderful sunday.
and don't forget to talk to Heavenly Father.
he's waiting to bless you.

1 comment:

i like words. and you. write me a few?