I'm calling this things we've heard idiots say.
Here are a few of my favorites:
“Is it hot in here? Your hand is a little sweaty.” (This boy looked like Ben Affleck and we thought he seemed promising. Turns out he was the worst.)
“Me and the boys have been talking and we think you’ve lost weight in your face!” (Classic male "compliment".)
“I found this Activia at work and it made me think of you girls.” (Creepy neighbor. The other day at the gym he followed me to the mats and watched me do sit ups. Yikes.)
“You’re a cool girl.” (I will never forget this nightmare doorstep scene.)
“Hey, are you home?” (5x every day. Usually brings cookies to the door. They are never for me...)
*Pats on the head “You remind me so much of my sister.” (The horror!)
“I’m on the fence about you.” (Never stick around a man who doesn't know how he feels about you. Because he's never going to figure that out, and you'll wonder forever if you stay.)
(On Valentine’s Day) “Oh, I left my wallet. Do you got this?" (Grammatically incorrect and tacky. Also, he wore white sunglasses, so.)
Any and ALL boys named Brady.
“Do you want to go to dinner? We should just meet there.” (Translation: I don't really want to go on a date. I'll buy you food, but please don't call me again.)
“Why would you go on a second date with me? I'm pathetic.” (Lack of confidence killed the cat.)
“We should do something sometime soon.” (Yeah! Maybe when you stop using vague measurements of time.)
“You’re totally a nice weight. You go to the gym every day, don’t you?” (The way to a girl's heart: weight talk at the dinner table.)
“How tall are you?!”
“I like the lines on your skin.”
“Your hair would look better if you stopped showering.” (Sexy!)
“You have a pretty big butt for your height!" (Not even hiding the fact that his mind is somewhere else.)
“I think you might have some hair above your lip.” (My high school boyfriend once.)
“You look better when you don’t get ready.” (Thank you for discrediting the hours I spent previous to this date, trying to impress you.)
“You actually look pretty thin in those pants!” (As opposed to how I usually look in other pants? You're a dream come true.)
“You’re a good bud.” (This, I can't even talk about.)
*Grabs love handles “Stop! Why are you grabbing my fat!” “Love handles are good! I think they are attractive.” (Creepy.)
“You sport a variety of sexy hairstyles.” (Before you say something on a date, it will help you to say to yourself, IS THIS COMMENT NECESSARY AND WHO IS IT BENEFITTING.)
“I’m breaking up with you. But I want us to act exactly the way we did when we were together, but we won’t be dating.” (Every boy who ever existed in the universe, ever.)
“If you were shorter, we would have totally hooked up.” (I have a tall friend. All of the ones about being tall belong to her. They're priceless.)
A boy in high school used to refer to my friend, Kelsey, as “Dome Thumbs” and never by her actual name, which is extremely sexy and a turn on.
“I never thought my wife would’ve had bigger legs than me.” –said to my friend by a man who didn’t marry my friend.
“I imagined my wife to be taller.” –said by the same man who didn’t marry my friend.
“I don’t know if it’s the spirit or what, but I had to call.” (I'm not kidding. This happened to me.)
“I’m so glad you don’t have big ears.” (Great compliment. Keep them coming.)
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU READ THIS FAR? DID YOU JUST GAIN SO MUCH VALUABLE INFORMATION?!
I'm going to leave you with this. Because I think it has so many wonderful insights into the life of a twenty-something single woman. Which, I'm assuming, is a category a good majority of you fall into.
Dating is hard. It is not fun and it hurts. There are no rules and sometimes you want to crawl into your bed and spend the rest of your life eating non-fat rice chips, watching beauty tutorials on YouTube (my coping method), but you are better than that, and one day, you're going to find a match who's not the biggest idiot, dick, douchebag, A-hole, fill-in-the-blank in the world, and life will be bliss. I don't promise, though. In the mean time, let's laugh at the stupid crap boys say and pretend like it doesn't keep us coming back for more.