August 31, 2012

midnight sister phone calls.

some of my favorite snippets from tonight's conversation.
possibly racist, and possibly sacrilegious.
but, we speak our minds.

some author's notes:
--somehow misuse of the churchill quote always seems to sneak into our phone calls, how winston probably rolls in his grave with every new "keep calm" reference... how women of the pinterest generation couldn't explain where the quote came from to begin with. it has become a staple in conversation. something we love to parody.
--"the mormons" are commonly a topic of discussion. yes, it's a generalization. but we're allowed to use it... because it's a demographic we're particularly knowledgeable of. it's like the i'm-the-only-one-who-can-make-fun-of-my-little-brother-because-he's-my-little-brother idea, but different. "the mormons" are casually thrown in every once in a while to make ourselves feel justified in worshipping things we almost shouldn't. i.e. dax shepherd and kristin bell, mcdonald's caramel frappes, rebel wilson...
--UBH: unfriendly black hottie. 

court: i'm never getting my eyebrows waxed by a white girl ever again. these brows are only to be touched by the asians from now on. i have learned my lesson.
amy: i know. i totally feel your pain.
court: and do you know, she used gloves on my eyebrows! insinuating that i had an eyebrow diseases! jada never uses gloves. she knows i don't have any disease. and she waxes in 7 minutes or less. and she gives me a face massage. also, white girl salons have that smell... you know? it's like the white-girl-salon smell. if cady had a scent...
amy: "guilt & chanel no. 5". gilmore girl references are always appropriate. 

court: i'm taking an archaeology class. did you know that? because it's true. yes, amy. archaeology.
amy: no, i don't think i knew that.
court: oh, and get THIS. i usually sit next to a kid from hawaii. and he's got blonde hair. doesn't that make you feel weird?
amy: why would that make me feel weird?
me: i don't know, i just always wonder, "if you're from hawaii, then why are you white?" i call it the karen smith complex. seriously, white people from hawaii don't make you feel weird?
amy: not since they joined the union...

amy: remember how the last time we went to california, we kept over-using the term, UBH?
court: k but it was a valid overuse... they were unfriendly, but also good looking.

amy: so i guess the church came out with a statement saying that cold, caffeinated drinks are not of the devil.
me: good. now the mormons will get off our back about the amount of DC we consume. and we'll probably be allowed to drink diet coke in sacrament. i can just see it now: keep calm and coke & cupcake on, coming to a canvas bag near you.
amy: mormons: allowed to drink diet coke now, so gotcha.

1 comment:

  1. This the best damn thing I've ever read.
    Sorry for the swears.


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