"I am really good at whistling."
"Do you want me to whistle something?"
"How about O Suzanna?"
"Oooo, sorry, that's not in my repertoire, so I'll probably just do The Star Spangled Banner."
"I'm not uncomfortable with you." [He says this while I whistle.] "Like, never. I'm never uncomfortable here." [I am still whistling.]
"Yeah. I'm not worried about anything with you. Nothing. I'm not like this around my other friends. I'm always worried about something. You know?"
"I'm not ever worried that you're going to try and seduce me or anything."
"Been there, tried that."
"Yeah, and it worked, too. And I'm just thankful you don't try it more often."
And I wonder what it is about me that makes him call when he knows he's going to make a mistake doing something else with someone else. Why me? Why call the person you sat on the fence contemplating? Why call the girl you hurt so many months ago? What is it about me that is so attractive to this man if he doesn't want me? He spouts off useless information about the French Revolution at least every other sentence and even at the age of twenty-nine, still refuses to eat green vegetables. I adore him again and again. And I'm stuck this way because we're in this weird little loneliness tango and until one lets go, the other just holds on. Because I care about him. A lot. And he cares about me a lot, too. Like, sit-in-the-car-until-I'm-teared-up-and-tuckered-out cares about me. Turn-the-heat-on-full-blast-because-I'm-chronically-cold cares about me. Drives-me-to-get-chicken-fingers-because-that's-what-I-want cares about me.
And anyway, this isn't a sob story. Like, I'm not sitting over here pining for this man because I don't think I want him, but I'm just not really sure that I understand what's going on. What is it about me that makes one hell of a friend, one hell of a human being, one hell of a seductress, but one girl who falls short of the thing he's looking for. And that goes without saying, why is it that way with the rest of them, too?
(This is an open-ended question designed to spark conversation, so feel free to give me your feedback. Actually, I really do need it.)