November 14, 2013

I don't know what to call this.

"I am really good at whistling."
"Do you want me to whistle something?"
"How about O Suzanna?"
"Oooo, sorry, that's not in my repertoire, so I'll probably just do The Star Spangled Banner." 
"I'm not uncomfortable with you." [He says this while I whistle.] "Like, never. I'm never uncomfortable here." [I am still whistling.]
"That's good!"
"Yeah. I'm not worried about anything with you. Nothing. I'm not like this around my other friends. I'm always worried about something. You know?"
"I'm not ever worried that you're going to try and seduce me or anything."
"Been there, tried that."
"Yeah, and it worked, too. And I'm just thankful you don't try it more often."

And I wonder what it is about me that makes him call when he knows he's going to make a mistake doing something else with someone else. Why me? Why call the person you sat on the fence contemplating? Why call the girl you hurt so many months ago? What is it about me that is so attractive to this man if he doesn't want me? He spouts off useless information about the French Revolution at least every other sentence and even at the age of twenty-nine, still refuses to eat green vegetables. I adore him again and again. And I'm stuck this way because we're in this weird little loneliness tango and until one lets go, the other just holds on. Because I care about him. A lot. And he cares about me a lot, too. Like, sit-in-the-car-until-I'm-teared-up-and-tuckered-out cares about me. Turn-the-heat-on-full-blast-because-I'm-chronically-cold cares about me. Drives-me-to-get-chicken-fingers-because-that's-what-I-want cares about me.

And anyway, this isn't a sob story. Like, I'm not sitting over here pining for this man because I don't think I want him, but I'm just not really sure that I understand what's going on. What is it about me that makes one hell of a friend, one hell of a human being, one hell of a seductress, but one girl who falls short of the thing he's looking for. And that goes without saying, why is it that way with the rest of them, too?

(This is an open-ended question designed to spark conversation, so feel free to give me your feedback. Actually, I really do need it.)


  1. I feel like I went through omething really similar so... What I discovered was that I didn't want to be that girl anymore. For a while it was fine, but then it came to a point where I said, no, I don't want to be the girl everyone runs to but no one wants.

    It felt good to be the run to girl though. I had friends I really cared about, and it felt good knowing they needed me, and they wanted to be around me because I could fix them for a while. But it came to a point where I realized I wasn't getting what I needed.

    I needed to say no sometimes. I needed to say no, this isn't right for me. I'm glad it's working for you, but it isn't helping me... You know? It's ok to be selfish. In fact, the ones who really want you will love it when you say no. When you say, I care too much about myself and what I really truly want to choose something that's good... But not great right now.

    I realized I needed to say no to good, and choose great.

    And there's a blog post of a comment for you.

  2. All I know is that one day it will all make sense. I know that's a really crappy answer but there it is. I remember feeling so frustrated and lonely. Like, really lonely. A lonely that is palpable. Yet, I was surrounded by people I loved, and who really loved me back. I remember worrying that I was going to have to "settle" for someone and something that wasn't all me and I promise you that I didn't settle. You need someone who sees you for who you really, truly are... and I'm not sure but I'll bet the list of men who see you is a short one. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it means that you are just that awesome and someone not as bitchin' doesn't get it. Don't worry. He'll show up. And it will all make sense.

  3. Same. I dated a guy who told me I was everything he could have wanted but suddenly one day he was gone. For no reason. And I was crushed. I was so confused. If I was everything, why leave? Bu then I realized it must be because he wasn't everything to me. And that's what matters. You said it right in your post. Maybe you don't want him. And just because he's there doesn't mean you should want him. Keep your eyes open even if you think the sun is staring into your eyes.

    Tightrope to the Sun


i like words. and you. write me a few?